A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

So I know the last few posts I have been some what of a downer. I'm sorry. I really need to start writing some more fun and uplifting posts. I know I have it in me I've just got to dig out the Bear side of me and put away the starkingly realistic side. Unfortunately there will be a little bit more of that in this post, but I promise I will try to make most of this a little more upbeat. 

I've made some decisions regarding the knee surgery. The decision right now is to put it off for approx. 4 months. When I left the Spidey's office the other day he scheduled me in for March 1st but told me if I wanted to I could make an appointment earlier to get things started sooner. I think for now we are going to stick with the March 1st appointment and here is why. 1) I'm fat. I'm not being self degrading or anything of the such, it's just pure fact. I am obese. I've always been big, ever since I was about 3 I've been a little bit above average. When I was in high school going through everything I was going through, I learned beer and whiskey were my friends. That and for whatever other reasons my weight went to a whopping 450 lbs. As of this morning I weigh 320 lbs.  Before I went in for my surgery this spring I was down to 278, but after sitting at home for a total of 6 months this year not being able to get around and do much because of my knee, my weight has skyrocketed. Spidey is willing to do the surgery at this weight but he has expressed concern not only in the recovery aspects but as well as the anaesthesia. He told me once I gave him the go ahead to book the surgery it would probably take at least 1.5 months - 2 months to book the O.R. so therefore I get the 4 months I need to shed as much weight as possible. Because of this my weight has become my No. 1 resolution this year. My goal is to lose a minimum of 2.5 lbs a week. If I can do this it will put me near the weight I was of the first surgery. Obviously if I can manage to lose more, that would be spectacular. I am trying to keep my goals realistic, however.  

The other determining factor in the delaying of the surgery is financial. After crunching the numbers so much that I became temporarily dyslexic I've determined right now it's just not do-able. I know 4 months isn't a lot of time to make a big financial impact on anything but I do believe we have come up with a plan that will make enough of an impact to make it an easier pill to swallow. Here's to keeping our fingers crossed that we stick to our guns.

The surgery has to happen. As Heather said in her blog, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I need the surgery. I've come to terms with that part of it. I'm slowly..very slowly coming to terms with the idea of putting the plate in my leg and how it will affect my life. 

One thing that I'm finding a little heart breaking is having to bail on my birthday goal. In early November I had decided to set a goal to get to 240 lbs by my birthday on August 29th so that I could go skydiving in September. Skydiving is something I've wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I finally had made the resolve to do it. Amazingly I had 4 friends offer their moral support and agree to jump with me if I could lose the weight. That was really slap in the face of reality. It made me realize just how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I mean, really, do you have friends that would agree to jump out of plane for you without even giving it a literal minute of thought? I still want to do the jump but I think we're going to have to postpone it for a year.

So that is that about the knee. Things may change but for right now that is the tentative plan. 

How were your holidays? Mine were great. The one upside of being home with an injury is that I get to spend a little more time with friends, family and my wife. I was able to make some rounds the few days before Christmas and catch up. Something I haven't been able to do the last few years. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's Christmas eve afternoon and enjoyed a couple hours over there. I think the best time was the hour long nerf gun war we got into with my nephew. It's been quite a while since I've had that much fun.  I'm not a big one for receiving gifts but I've got to admit, Heather knocked it out of the park this year. We have a long standing tradition of opening a gift on Christmas Eve and this year she gave me Donkey Kong Country Returns for the Wii. It's awesome. My brother came over that night and the three of us stayed up til about midnight playing it. It was about the best Christmas eve you could ask for. 

She also got me the entire Harry Potter book series, I love the movies but I have never found the chance to read the books so it was an excellent gift. She got me the new Trans-Siberian Orchestra cd which kicks ass, as well as a new work light for the garage. Finally she surprised me with a photographers gift pass to the Maine Wildlife Park. The Maine Wildlife Park is basically what it sounds like, you can check it out here http://www.state.me.us/ifw/education/wildlifepark/. The photographers pass is a special permit where a guide takes you around before or after hours and actually takes you in the enclosures with the animals so you can get unimpeded photos. My brother has graciously agreed to let me borrow his digital SLR camera for the shoot. I am super psyched about this gift.  My in laws also bought me a gorgeous New England Patriots hoody and my brother in law and sister in law bought me Cabelas' Dangerous Hunts 2011 for the wii. I made out like a bandit this year!

New Year's eve went pretty similarly to Christmas Eve. Lot's of Wii. It was quiet with a couple beers. Even though Heather suffered a migraine later in the night overall it was a good time. 

So, now that the subject of New Year's has been brought up, I guess it's time for some resolutions. 

My resolutions this year really aren't all that creative. I'm stealing most of them from the list I posted earlier last year. I'm definitely willing to add things as I go through the year but here's what I have so far. 

1) the weight thing. it's kind of a needed thing obviously

2) Take my nephew out for another day. I took him out to McDonald's and to see Iron Man 2 this summer. It wasn't much but he said it was awesome. Maybe this year we can do something a little more

3) Go to the Penobscot Observatory. My sister and I almost went this past fall. If it hadn't been for an hour long wait to get in we would have. This year it's a must. Get ready, sis.

4) Get lost. I'm going to be home for 6 months. I think, just maybe I can find some time to go for a ride and try to get lost. If I can somehow just lose my uncanny sense of direction I'll be all set

5) Go camping at least 3 times. Again, I'm going to have some time recovering. I should be able to devote some of it to sitting around a campfire getting eaten alive by mosquitos. 

6) Read. Read. Read. I have 17 books on the waiting list to be read. That's not including some of the classic lit that I want to delve into.  I don't think I will get all 17 read this year so my goal is going to be 14. 

7) Write the third chapter of Heather's story. It's been a few years since I wrote 'There Be Beasties' and I think she deserves the next step. 

For now that is it I guess. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to leave me comments. I'm always up for ideas for resolutions or opinions. If you have anything, Spit it out!

See ya folks

Happy New Year.

I want and have to start this post off by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I hope this year we'll meet you with good graces and that the next 365 days will bring you good health and good fortunes. May we keep our resolutions and say good bye to the year of 2010 that has haunted many of us. 

That being said. Lets get down to business shall we. Between facebook, e-mail, my wife's blog and my own you know that I fell at the beginning of December at work and injured my already bad knee. It has also been said in the past that the idea of surgery had been thrown around quite abit prior to this newest injury. Well, I met with the surgeon. 

On Thursday afternoon I met with the new ortho specialist. For now and future reference we are going to call him Spidey. In my research of him I have learned that he is one of if not the best ortho surgeon in Maine. From what I've heard and seen of his credentials and clientele, my estimation is that I'm in good hands. So I meet with Spidey and I like him, he seems to me like the right mix of business and personal. I want a doctor who makes me feel comfortable but at the same time makes me feel like he knows what the hell he is talking about. As he is going over my chart he sends me in for a set of xrays in his office. So when I finally get back we spend the next 45 minutes going over everything he has in my folder along with the new set of scans. To put it bluntly he's worried. He's never seen someone my age with a knee that is as messed up as mine is. So we go over the options. I don't like what I hear.

He is proposing what he even calls a "very serious surgery". The procedure is going to take 4 hours in the O.R. followed by a minimum 6 month recovery. In his words, "You're going to go through hell". The procedure is basically this, he wants to lay open my leg. Spidey wants to go in, completely disconnect my knee cap, take a good size chunk out of my tibia (shin bone) an inch or so below the knee join and then try to reattach my knee cap so that it will set where it is supposed to and STAY there. But that's not all folks, oh no, that's not even the fun part. He then wants to go a couple inches Above the knee join on my femur and break it. He wants to break my thigh bone, spread it open so that my leg is straight. He then wants to attach a metal plate and screw it in a few times so hopefully it will take to the bone. That is just what he has planned so far. He said he can already see some arthritus building up again so I don't know if he wants to try to clean that out or not. I know for a fact I have a new tear in the miniscus and I imagine he will try  to repair that since he will be in there anyway.

Most of this was done on my own though. Spidey said the new miniscus tear was from the fall at work and the fall definitely did not help the prior problems. So as much as I didn't want to screw my company anyways, most of this financial burden will fall on us. To me, right now, that is the major problem. The thought of this surgery turns my stomach. The idea of putting a plate in my leg doesn't set will with me. I understand though, that if I want to get better this is what needs to be done. The problem is I don't know if it can be. As everyone in the world knows the economy sucks. Money is tight for everyone. At this point I don't even know if this kind of surgery and recovery is financially possible for us. I can get short term disability through my work but I lose almost $125 dollars a week compared to my normal paycheck. I just don't know...

So that is where I am at right now. I already have some New Year's resolutions but right now I just can't get them on here. Maybe later today I'll see what I can do but for right now I need to walk away. 

One part saint and two parts sinner, with the last part still on the line.

Sometimes I wonder, who, which or what higher power did I piss off? Sometimes I think I have an idea but then I wonder if the things I have done are really enough to constitute what I go through. I've done some horrible things in my life. Things that, not to sound to cliche will haunt me well past my grave. I've tried to make amends. I really have. There are, though some things that cannot be justified or amended. I've changed my life and let go of the person I was. I've tried to grow up and be the best man I can be. 

There are days when I feel like I might actually be making some headway and then there are those days where you take two steps forward and 99 steps back. Where I am going with this is kind of simple. I feel like giving up. I feel like I have lost my fight. There have been days sometimes even weeks where I felt down and feeling blue. But I always knew I'd come back strong given enough time. I don't feel that way anymore. 

Ever since I can remember life has put my soul through hell, but *I* put my physical body through equal punishment. For a long time I almost had myself convinced I was indestructible. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and had the time of my life (sometimes). For a long time, I felt so dead inside from everything else that I craved the physical pain so that I could still know I was alive. And before any of you jump to conclusions, I was not a cutter or a burner, druggie or anything like that.  No matter how many bones I broke, gouges I took from flesh, shapes I contorted my body into..I walked away. Some days the pain took a little bit longer to go away, but I always, always walked away. Now, there are days I can barely walk without help. 

This past winter I underwent a knee surgery that has now been proclaimed by myself, physical therapist and surgeon as a failure. I went through 5 months of healing, physical therapy and strength training. The pain never totally went away but was to a level I thought manageable. Then I returned to work two months ago and I realized just how wrong I was. When I left work in February we were working 42 hour weeks. When I went back in July we were working 48 hour weeks. After the first day of 9.5 hours on my feet I realized I was in trouble and it has only gotten worse since. I cannot make it through a day without wearing my rigid support brace. It makes life miserable having 2.5lbs strapped to your leg for 12 hours a day but I have no choice. A few weeks into work my knee had a sharp snap followed by instant swelling and ungodly pain. I worked through it. 

It happened again two weeks ago and this one was even worse, putting me on the ground for 5-10 mins in the middle of the mill. I called the my surgeon back and he got me in on Tuesday of this week. I should have just kept my mouth shut. 

Upon a reasonably fast evaluation he came to a few conclusions. A) There is a grinding in my knee that wasn't there before. B)I have lost 10-15% of my mobility in 2 months (C I need to go to physical therapy again, as well as an MRI AND see another specialist then there is (D) <-- D gets double parenthesis cause its a doozy. (D) He is recommending to this new specialist to perform an extensive surgery on my knee yet again. This new surgery entails cutting my knee wide open, completely severing any ties to the knee cap, repositioning said knee cap and trying to reattach everything. And that is just what we know of now, he is reasonably certain there is some more damage that the MRI will show that will have to be fixed. 

He sent me to PT yesterday in the hopes that maybe we could do something that didn't involve the surgery. So I went to PT and within 30 seconds of my therapist looking at my knee she flat out said that she could not fix it. All she can do is POSSIBLY help the pain. So now. My sanity is hanging on the balance of this new specialist. 

I had a very very hard time coming to terms with having the first knee surgery. I spent almost half of this year out of work because of it and it was for nothing, actually it was for less than nothing because after taking several hundred measurements of my leg, my therapist says its off more now than it was before surgery. I don't know if I can go through this again. I don't know if my job will let me go through this again. If this surgery is as extensive as it sounds it could mean an even longer recovery time than the previous. The word disability has been thrown around quite a few times this week. To every single one of you have mentioned the idea. Fuck you. Most of you that have brought it up are the ones I have worked beside for years in one place or another. And every single fucking person that knows me knows all I have ever done since I and anyone else can remember is work my ass off. I have worked until I have literally worn holes through the skin on my fingers. Worked so many hours in a row that I honestly don't remember how I got home that night. I've shoveled shit, stocked shelves, sold guns, pumped gas, sawed and piled lumber and everything else in between. All I want to do is keeping do that. It is who I am.  I want to earn my living and go home at night knowing that I did it on my own and not on some one elses dime. 

I know in my heart of hearts that I have deserved every single thing that has happened to me over the years and I have done my absolute best to shoulder what has been handed to me and carry on. 

I also know in my heart of hearts that I will keep carrying on, now matter how much more is piled on. I will be who I am as I've always been. But tonight, the load feels like too much. 

You little Skamp..

Before I get into anything else I want to give my deepest condolences to Fox. I know you're a strong girl and you will pull through, but if you need anything at all, Heather and I are both here for you, hun.

Now onto the newest of things. I've got myself a new project *rubs my hands together in mischevious fashion and laughs maniacally* We now have a pop up camper. But before we get too into the new, lets take a few steps back. As you all know Heather and I absolutely love to go camping. I used to go a dozen weekends out of the year atleast growing up and now we still go as often as we can. The problem is that it never fails to rain atleast one of our trips every year and being as hard as it is to actually get the time to go, we suffer through it. Most times its not too bad, except for the "thunder storm of doom" as Heather puts it the first summer we were together. That was, until last year.

Last June we went on our annual camping trip to Bar Harbor for her birthday and as we packed up Thursday night the weather forecast was for showers Friday night into Saturday morning. Eh that's no biggy, we can deal with a few showers over one night out of 3 days. We arrived at the campground at almost exactly noon Friday, at 12:15 it started to rain and it never stopped til 10 am Sunday. When I say rain, I'm not talking drizzle, or showers, I am talking full on, god taking the mother of all leaks type rain. For 3 days. We spent 3 days inside of the tent. We wound up eating every single meal at a restaurant cause we couldn't keep dry or have a fire.

We decided that very weekend, we needed to upgrade. We aren't willing to stay home so we decided we needed a camper. We didn't want a huge camper, we still want to be somewhat rustic. I don't like feeling like I'm living in another house when I'm in the middle of the woods. So we decided on finding a small pop up. We looked around for a few weeks and didn't really find anything we could afford. Then came my birthday party. My godparents showed up to celebrate with us. Our house was already full so they decided to bring their new camper they had found. It was 25th anniversary 1989 Skamper pop up. It was the perfect size for what Heather and I were looking for, very basic but in good shape. It was going to be ours. The problem was, no one else but me knew that (grin). I begged and pleaded with them to sell me the camper or better yet, just leave it there for me but to no avail. So the search went on.

The fall came and went and I still couldn't find anything else I liked and I wanted that damn Skamper. Then out of the blue in February Gene (godmother) called and asked if I wanted to buy it. I told her I most certainly did if the price was right. She said all she wanted was what she had invested in it, which is $500.00. I told her it was a deal but I didn't have the money right now cause I was getting ready to go out for my surgery. She told me not to worry about it, we'd work something out. So we have a plan.

Fast forward to now. The other day I was talking to my Darrel (godfather) and he told me to get my ass up there and get the damn thing out of the way (litteral words). No problem, So Friday I hit the road at 5:30am ready for my 3.5 drive north. I returned at 7:30pm with the camper and was totally thrilled with the way it towed, having absolutely no trouble on the 200 mile drive.

So as I said before this is a 1989 camper. It's not in perfect shape. For being 21 years old it is in very good shape. It is in need of a few minor repairs and a hellaciously good cleaning. I am going to post some before and after pics on this post of the first cleaning I gave it and I will do so later on of the other things I do to it. Its my hope to start blogging about all the trips we take from now on. I'm hoping we can expand our horizons a little further now that we have something a little more solid to sleep in. It's first real test will be the first weekend in June for the Fiber Frolic and then a couple weeks later for our annual trip to the Harbor. Here's the first set of pics...

Due to some technical malfunctions the pics aren't in perfect order...so here is

After.... Before....

After.... Before....

After.... Before....

P.S. Tomorrow I am taking my nephew out to see Iron Man 2 after he gets out of school. Working on #53 of my list. Yeehaw

Hard to take..

So here I am, up at 5 am writing on blog. I have had a pretty restless night and the dog finally decided seal the deal at 4:15 when he needed to go out.

What is there to keep me awake and write about at 5am? Well, yesterday afternoon I made my way to Millinocket to have my 2nd follow up appointment with my knee surgeon. On my way up which takes about half an hour through the woods, life was good. The sun was shining, there was no traffic (yes there can be traffic, even in the middle of the woods, this traffic just usually consist of 140,000lb log trucks). I even got to see my first moose of the spring, which his fresh new antlers poking through his forehead. Life seemed good for those 30 minutes. Then reality bitch slapped me.

My knee surgeon is the best. From the very first minute I met him I felt comfortable with him and for some reason at that same moment realized that I totally trusted this man. In all my appointments with him I have found that I really take what he says to heart and I believe what he tells me really is what is in my best interest. Maybe it's because he's british, I don't know.

Anyway, as the appointment went on and we discussed my aches and pains, he was going over his reports from physical therapy as I related my side of the story. What it boils down to is progress is not moving at the pace it needs too. My knee cap is not re-aligning the way he had hoped it would and my leg is only working at about 20% capacity. He is giving me 6 more weeks of physical therapy. This somewhat stole the wind out of me, kind of the whined up to the bitch slap coming. I was only supposed to be out 6 weeks to begin with after the surgery. Next Tuesday it will be 2 months. I have worked full time since I was 15, when I was 19 there was a little lull in there where I was laid off, but that was only for a couple weeks. I found under-the-table jobs that had me working more than a normal week.

So as I was running things through my head at the speed of a f'in bullet train, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is that if he doesn't see the progress he wants in 6 weeks, there is a better than fair chance he will want to take me back into surgery to do what he can to re-align everything his way. And KER-POW. It literally took me about 5 seconds to truly process what he had just said to me. He was seriously talking another surgery. A surgery that by my understanding is a bigger undertaking than the first one we went through.

I am honestly lost here. I am torn in ways that I really can't describe. There are going to be people here that say its a no brainer decision. But its not that simple. I have been out of work for 7 weeks, we're talking 13 by the time I even know if I need surgery and then could very well be another 12 weeks of recovery after that. My wife has been stellar through this whole process. She could of very well told me to go fuck myself several times but she has stood by me through everything. I don't know if I want to put her through this again.

The thing that scares me the most is my job. The Lumbras have treated me like family over the years. Whenever I have needed something they have been there for me. They really are the best people in the world to work for because they are the only place I have ever seen that truly, truly cares more about their employees than themselves. That being said, I can only expect them to put up with so much. They already had to hire someone to take a lower job so one of the more experienced guys could slide up and fill in for me. I am going in this morning to talk to the bosses and see what they have to say.

I need to get in contact with my short term disability provider cause I am not completely sure how long my benefits will last. I absolutely cannot and will not put all the financial burden on Heather. I guess that is what it really boils down to. If I lose my benefits, I'm going back to work.

My knee, I think, is better than it was before I went into surgery. It might have to be good enough. I said from the beginning that if I was going to go through this I was going to do it the right way, because there was no sense in doing it if I was going to half ass it. Now I'm scared I just might have to half ass it to survive and worry about fixing it the right way later on.

Fiberista

That's my wife's title. A title that means, artist, designer, creator, marketer, owner, shipper and everything else that can be described as a job in her small business. Last fall Heather took her dream of starting a yarn and fiber business and took off running. Of course she started small like most business have done and over the last few months it has expanded bit by bit. She has sold numerous products, been mentioned in podcasts that have 40,000 listeners and joined multiple communities to spread the word and the love of her business and the art that is involved.

I have never seen her so happy, so fulfilled, so content at doing something as she is when working on her products. I have to be the first to admit, although I care nothing about knitting or crocheting or such...what she does is beautiful and she has pride in that which she has created.

A short while ago we were sitting in the living room talking and she was saying that she wanted to take her business further and further. I told that I would support her in every way I can with this business. She wants to make a career out of Highland Handmades. I think it can be done. Although it may take a few years yet to sustain a lifestyle from this business I think it really does have the potential to happen.

She wasn't sure though, how to get her name out there more, how to make the business increase because although people have been buying some stuff, the online pictures don't do it justice. Several times when people have seen her products first hand they have bought them instantly. So I said the solution was simple. The Maine Fiber Frolic. She kind of wheeled back because the Fiber Frolic is a big deal. Dozens and Dozens of vendors get together to sell their yarn and fiber goods on the first weekend in June. Wait. The first weekend in June This is the first weekend in April. Shit, we're no where near ready. She only has about 2 dozen products done up to sell. We need about 12-14 dozen atleast. She doesn't even have enough raw product to do a quarter of that. So, I told her to make a decision. Yes or No. I said that I would do everything within my power to make it happen if she decided she really wanted to do it. Hesitantly she sat there and looked at me, I could see her mind running a million miles an hour. I think she thought I was toying with her. Finally after a while she said she wanted too. So we were off and running

I know what it takes to run a business. I grew up with my family running a store. I opened a diner with my mother when I was 15. I know it takes money to make money and the problem is, her business didn't have the capital to order the amount of raw material she needed for the festival. So the next day I sat down with a note book and our checking account and spent the day running numbers and the such. That night she had enough money for her wholesale account. The next day we went and got her the insurance she needed for the Frolic and sent in her fee and application to secure a spot at said show.

I think its has set in to both of us how much work is ahead of us to get this pulled together in a month and a half and we are both ready to go full steam ahead. So now she is awaiting her 44lbs of raw material and she will begin the dying and skeining process. I have my hands full with building her some displays to use. We will make this work, not because we have to..things more often than not DON'T work when you HAVE to. I know this will work because we WANT it too.

I want my wife to have the business she wants. I want her to have a career that makes her happy and gives her that feeling of completion that only this business gives her. She deserves that. She has worked so hard over the years that I know she has what it takes to make this work. She works two jobs as it is already and she still, still comes home at night and on her few days off and works her butt off to get this thing going. I am so proud of her. I am proud that she works so hard. That she takes chances on the unknown. That she puts so much love and passion into something. I am proud of the woman she has become because of this business. I hope she knows that. Every time she dyes something and she gets the finished product her eyes glow just a little bit and this radiant smile appears. That smile that shines of pride that you can see runs right straight into the core of her soul. If its possible that smile makes me love her even more, my wife, my fiberista.

So I've joined the ranks

I know that there is a few of my friends out there that have had their gallbladders removed and I can now say I'm right there with ya, guys. I'm now one among the slightly gut-less brigade.

On Monday morning we arrived at the hospital on time and they took me right in and got things underway. First off, I have to say that I absolutely love this hospital. It is the hospital I was born in and have been going to my entire life. Through all my mother's illnesses they took exceptional care of her, always and every time going that extra mile to make her comfortable and happy. And they have always done the same for me. My wife, only having gone there with me and for a couple quick blood draws can attest to my accounts.

So getting back to the story they took me in, got me ready, gave me some drugs, gave me some more drugs and then took me into the O.R.. Within 2 minutes I was sound asleep and before I knew it I was waking up recovery. I woke up a little freaked because there was so much pressure and pain in my chest that I could just barely move my arms. The nurse took great care of me, explaining that it was the gas they had to pump into me to do the surgery and it travels up into the shoulders. They doped me up again, then again, then again and all was right with the world. I don't know what it was that they gave me, but two thumbs WAY up!!

After 45 minutes or so they wheeled me back to my room and let me veg for a while with my wife where I spent about an hour and a half with nurses, drs and even the anasthesologist (I know I spelled that wrong) coming in to check on me. I managed to get a coffee and a couple pieces of toast into me and after a bit longer and a couple vicodin later I felt comfortable enough to get up and move around some. They told me I could stay as long as I wanted to but at that point I just wanted to go home and so I proceeded to get dressed very slowly. Not long after I was out of the hospital and we went to a local restaurant to get a small bite to eat since Heather hadn't eaten all day and it was already 1:30pm.

We made it home and its been several days and most of the pain is gone and there has been no major incidents. The incision just below my belly button has given me a bit of trouble leaving a 3x6 inch red spot/bruise going towards my groin. We are keeping a close eye on it but I am fairly certain it is just a bruise that is healing. keep your fingers crossed.

I am hoping by Saturday I will be able to walk comfortably so I can finally get off my ass cause I gotta tell you, it's getting pretty old.

I have to give thanks to my wife for taking such good care of me. The last couple months have been hard. First knee surgery and know this this surgery. The recovery for the prior has been slow and painful but there is progress so I guess that is the whole point. I love her and I can't show her enough appreciation for everything she has done.