Thursday, January 22, 2015

The hardest thing in the world..

Is for a person to admit and own up to their flaws. I've been thinking more and more about how I want to improve my quality of life this year and the things that I need to do to make it happen. I've come to the realization that for me to take those steps ahead, I need to deal with the things that have been holding me back.So here I am, laying it on the line. I am in the deepest of hopes that if I spill this all over the table, it will force me to clean it up. So here it goes.

I am fat. I am a glutton. I love food. I don't eat when I'm emotional, happy or sad. I just eat. I love to eat. I love the taste of food and when I find something that I want, I want more of it. I want it all until it is gone. I need to learn to slow down and savor the good things and to make them last. I need to get over of the mentality of it's so good that I need it all now or I'll die. What I need is the mentality of, this is delicious and I can enjoy this several times if I just stop. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Just look at my belly.

I'm horrible with money. That's all that really needs to be said about that one. 

I tend not to finish things. I have found in the past that unless something needs to be done, I procrastinate. Sometimes things get passed on to other people that shouldn't. I don't mind shouldering my fair share, but sometimes I don't intentional or not, it is wrong. The other thing is if I'm working on a hobby, such as my wood working and something doesn't go right, if I do something wrong and get irritated, I'm just as likely to throw it to the side and leave it there until I throw it in the burn pile. I need to learn more patience. I need to start seeing projects through, even if it's more difficult than I really want to deal with. I know deep down if I finish it, if I just see it through, I'll be happy in the end.

I've lost all my passion. Somewhere between the physical ailments, financial stress, every day life and my soul sucking job I have become a shell. It's not fair to my wife, my friends, my family or myself. Heather bought me a guitar several years ago for Christmas and I have only played it a handful of times yet ever since I can remember music has been at the very root of my existence. I've wanted to play all my life but the desire, the drive just isn't there. The same goes with everything, my woodworking, my photography, just spending time in the outdoors. It's like the gears of my internal mechanism have seized up and my drive can't move forward. I think it's time to get out the big damn hammer and beat on it until something starts moving again. I love my wife to the end of the stars but I have not been the husband I should be to her because I've been to wrapped up trying to not fall into this void that has been created inside of me. I need to be that man she fell in love with ten years ago. More importantly, I want to be. 

I break promises. The one thing I will admit is I never do it intentionally. Some of it goes back to the previous paragraphs. Things get put off, circumstances arise, whatever the excuse my wind up being, the result is the same. One that constantly comes to mind is a hike that I've been promising Heather for years and it still hasn't happened. It's not always big things though, it's me saying I'll do a chore and it doesn't get done, it's me saying I'll do this or do that and there it still sits. See, I don't just break promises to other people, I do it to myself as well. I used to pride myself on being a man of my word. I'm not proud of the man I am anymore. That leads us to...

I've lost my backbone. When I was a teenager, right up through my early twenties, I was opinionated and vocal. If you did something I didn't like, you were going to know about it. Now, that's not saying I was rude, spiteful or hurtful, I would just let you know that in my mind, you were in the wrong. I used to love a good argument and was even known to back my point with a fist if it really needed to come to that. Somewhere though  from then until now, I've done a complete 180 degree turn. I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to right the wrongs anymore. I just take what is handed to me and try to be happy with it. There has been a couple times in the last few years where I have finally had to put my foot down and say something. I don't regret those times. I'm tired of being walked on and taken advantage of. By letting everyone do it for so long all I've done is push myself further and further behind and to be honest, I miss the old me. So to put this to an end all I will say is I will still give you the shirt off my back and the last cent in my pocket, but if you try to take it, you are going to get kicked in the dink.

"I myself am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - Maybe it's time we create a new monster.

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