Thursday, January 22, 2015

The hardest thing in the world..

Is for a person to admit and own up to their flaws. I've been thinking more and more about how I want to improve my quality of life this year and the things that I need to do to make it happen. I've come to the realization that for me to take those steps ahead, I need to deal with the things that have been holding me back.So here I am, laying it on the line. I am in the deepest of hopes that if I spill this all over the table, it will force me to clean it up. So here it goes.

I am fat. I am a glutton. I love food. I don't eat when I'm emotional, happy or sad. I just eat. I love to eat. I love the taste of food and when I find something that I want, I want more of it. I want it all until it is gone. I need to learn to slow down and savor the good things and to make them last. I need to get over of the mentality of it's so good that I need it all now or I'll die. What I need is the mentality of, this is delicious and I can enjoy this several times if I just stop. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Just look at my belly.

I'm horrible with money. That's all that really needs to be said about that one. 

I tend not to finish things. I have found in the past that unless something needs to be done, I procrastinate. Sometimes things get passed on to other people that shouldn't. I don't mind shouldering my fair share, but sometimes I don't intentional or not, it is wrong. The other thing is if I'm working on a hobby, such as my wood working and something doesn't go right, if I do something wrong and get irritated, I'm just as likely to throw it to the side and leave it there until I throw it in the burn pile. I need to learn more patience. I need to start seeing projects through, even if it's more difficult than I really want to deal with. I know deep down if I finish it, if I just see it through, I'll be happy in the end.

I've lost all my passion. Somewhere between the physical ailments, financial stress, every day life and my soul sucking job I have become a shell. It's not fair to my wife, my friends, my family or myself. Heather bought me a guitar several years ago for Christmas and I have only played it a handful of times yet ever since I can remember music has been at the very root of my existence. I've wanted to play all my life but the desire, the drive just isn't there. The same goes with everything, my woodworking, my photography, just spending time in the outdoors. It's like the gears of my internal mechanism have seized up and my drive can't move forward. I think it's time to get out the big damn hammer and beat on it until something starts moving again. I love my wife to the end of the stars but I have not been the husband I should be to her because I've been to wrapped up trying to not fall into this void that has been created inside of me. I need to be that man she fell in love with ten years ago. More importantly, I want to be. 

I break promises. The one thing I will admit is I never do it intentionally. Some of it goes back to the previous paragraphs. Things get put off, circumstances arise, whatever the excuse my wind up being, the result is the same. One that constantly comes to mind is a hike that I've been promising Heather for years and it still hasn't happened. It's not always big things though, it's me saying I'll do a chore and it doesn't get done, it's me saying I'll do this or do that and there it still sits. See, I don't just break promises to other people, I do it to myself as well. I used to pride myself on being a man of my word. I'm not proud of the man I am anymore. That leads us to...

I've lost my backbone. When I was a teenager, right up through my early twenties, I was opinionated and vocal. If you did something I didn't like, you were going to know about it. Now, that's not saying I was rude, spiteful or hurtful, I would just let you know that in my mind, you were in the wrong. I used to love a good argument and was even known to back my point with a fist if it really needed to come to that. Somewhere though  from then until now, I've done a complete 180 degree turn. I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to right the wrongs anymore. I just take what is handed to me and try to be happy with it. There has been a couple times in the last few years where I have finally had to put my foot down and say something. I don't regret those times. I'm tired of being walked on and taken advantage of. By letting everyone do it for so long all I've done is push myself further and further behind and to be honest, I miss the old me. So to put this to an end all I will say is I will still give you the shirt off my back and the last cent in my pocket, but if you try to take it, you are going to get kicked in the dink.

"I myself am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - Maybe it's time we create a new monster.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Can one man really change the world?

To be honest, I have no clue. I can only hope to change the man that is in the world around me. 2014 was a good year in many respects, but I am not sad to see it leave. As I sit here writing this I am recovering from my second knee surgery. The first one I had 4+ years ago being a total fail. While I've been sitting here for the last month it has given me a lot of time to think about my life. I have reflected some on the past, but mostly I'm trying to look towards the future. A lot of people these days people pick a word they are trying to adhere to for the new year. Grow, achieve, strength, and peace are but a few I have seen. I won't say that I am going to jump on the band wagon for this new trend but I have come up with a word, a sentiment that resonates very deeply inside of me and has been building up for a very long time. Reclaim.

I had actually planned on writing this long poetic post about how I had come to this point. I think I've changed my mind. I've decided that I'm tired of looking back. I'm tired of hanging on to thoughts and memories that are more like chains. I'm beginning to feel like an old Jacob Marley meandering my way through my existence. I'm taking my life back. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Instead,  I'm going to write about the things I hope to achieve in this new year. Not resolutions necessarily...just hopes.

 Bet you can't guess what numero uno is, can you? Yeah the whole weight battle continues on. I'm really hoping that with this new surgery I can finally start getting out and doing more, moving more, with less fatigue and pain. It's hard to believe how much one measly little knee can inhibit your whole life, but it really does. I realize my weight issues only exacerbate the problem, but tic for tac. I need something to give a little in one direction to make the other right, you know? Heather has been beating paleo for a couple of years now and it has done wonders for her. While I don't necessarily want to take my diet as far as she does, I'm hoping I can play off of her and make some drastic improvements on my intake. One thing has to lead to another, right?

Last Christmas my sisters went in together and  gave me a new Canon Rebel T3 digital slr camera. It was one of the best, my thoughtful gifts I had ever received. Photography, aside from music really has been my biggest passion in life. I used to have to a beautiful canon slr 35mm camera but due to unfortunate circumstances we had to part ways. I want to get out and use that camera as much as I possibly can this year. In '14 we started a postcard club with Highland Handmades where we went all over the state, every month, taking pictures of places, landmarks, etc.. I really want to continue on with that but I want to go further. When I was in high school I did actually managed to sell a few prints of my photos. I would love to do that again. I don't know if I could ever take it to a spot where it would be a livable income, but even if it just gave us some savings or extra spending cash it would be a dream come true. I would also like to use some of those photos to start blogging more often. H and I take off on quite a few little adventures here and there and we have a lot of fun. I think it's time I start sharing more of it. I will start posting some of the pictures and stories here as time progresses but I did also start a flickr account to share the pictures. You can go to and check out some of the places we've been in '14. I do need to upload a bunch since I haven't really done any since September.

I've also finally taken on a new hobby. SEWING! (Gender smashing, for the win! haha) I'm still a novice and have a lot to learn but Heather is trying her best to teach me and bless her she has the patience of a saint. Let's see if I can conjure up a couple pictures of what I've done so far.

 I've also done three pillowcases which at the moment I'm having trouble locating pictures of, a bunch of catnip toys, and a project bag for Heather as well. I'm currently working on a controller caddy that will hang off the side of the couch and house the t.v. remote as well as the controllers for the Playstation and Xbox.
As time goes on I will keep posting pictures of finished projects. I still have so much to learn and I don't know how long this hobby will last but I'm having fun as I go. I actually gave away the project bag you see above in a contest and the person who won seemed quite happy so I guess I must be doing something right.

The other major thing I'd like to get done for '15 is to move out of Brownville. We are both so tired of living here. The guilt that weighs on me for making Heather stay here is honestly becoming unbearable.  She hates it here. She always has, but its becoming so pent up that it's pouring out. It has gotten to the point that it is truly unhealthy and affecting both of us physically and mentally. She is staying here for me and I can never show her how much I appreciate that. But I am not putting this on her. The fact of the matter is, I've gotten to the point I hate it as much as she does. I need a fresh start. This past August I actually thought we were going to be able to get out of here. We found a house we liked on a property we loved, we even started the buying process, getting financing, putting in a bid and then, the day after we put the bid in, they pulled it off of the market. We were honestly heartbroken. We put off looking for a place for the fall because we didn't want to move in the middle of winter and I needed to have surgery. At this point, I'm willing to buy a parcel of land and build a shack on it to live in. As long as we have room to sleep and for her to work that's all I care about. We want to get down closer to the coast. We have a bunch of friends who already live down there, and it is the area in the state we like best. Everything about it just makes sense. It's time to start the biggest adventure of them all.