Is for a person to admit and own up to their flaws. I've been thinking more and more about how I want to improve my quality of life this year and the things that I need to do to make it happen. I've come to the realization that for me to take those steps ahead, I need to deal with the things that have been holding me back.So here I am, laying it on the line. I am in the deepest of hopes that if I spill this all over the table, it will force me to clean it up. So here it goes.
I am fat. I am a glutton. I love food. I don't eat when I'm emotional, happy or sad. I just eat. I love to eat. I love the taste of food and when I find something that I want, I want more of it. I want it all until it is gone. I need to learn to slow down and savor the good things and to make them last. I need to get over of the mentality of it's so good that I need it all now or I'll die. What I need is the mentality of, this is delicious and I can enjoy this several times if I just stop. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Just look at my belly.
I'm horrible with money. That's all that really needs to be said about that one.
I tend not to finish things. I have found in the past that unless something needs to be done, I procrastinate. Sometimes things get passed on to other people that shouldn't. I don't mind shouldering my fair share, but sometimes I don't intentional or not, it is wrong. The other thing is if I'm working on a hobby, such as my wood working and something doesn't go right, if I do something wrong and get irritated, I'm just as likely to throw it to the side and leave it there until I throw it in the burn pile. I need to learn more patience. I need to start seeing projects through, even if it's more difficult than I really want to deal with. I know deep down if I finish it, if I just see it through, I'll be happy in the end.
I've lost all my passion. Somewhere between the physical ailments, financial stress, every day life and my soul sucking job I have become a shell. It's not fair to my wife, my friends, my family or myself. Heather bought me a guitar several years ago for Christmas and I have only played it a handful of times yet ever since I can remember music has been at the very root of my existence. I've wanted to play all my life but the desire, the drive just isn't there. The same goes with everything, my woodworking, my photography, just spending time in the outdoors. It's like the gears of my internal mechanism have seized up and my drive can't move forward. I think it's time to get out the big damn hammer and beat on it until something starts moving again. I love my wife to the end of the stars but I have not been the husband I should be to her because I've been to wrapped up trying to not fall into this void that has been created inside of me. I need to be that man she fell in love with ten years ago. More importantly, I want to be.
I break promises. The one thing I will admit is I never do it intentionally. Some of it goes back to the previous paragraphs. Things get put off, circumstances arise, whatever the excuse my wind up being, the result is the same. One that constantly comes to mind is a hike that I've been promising Heather for years and it still hasn't happened. It's not always big things though, it's me saying I'll do a chore and it doesn't get done, it's me saying I'll do this or do that and there it still sits. See, I don't just break promises to other people, I do it to myself as well. I used to pride myself on being a man of my word. I'm not proud of the man I am anymore. That leads us to...
I've lost my backbone. When I was a teenager, right up through my early twenties, I was opinionated and vocal. If you did something I didn't like, you were going to know about it. Now, that's not saying I was rude, spiteful or hurtful, I would just let you know that in my mind, you were in the wrong. I used to love a good argument and was even known to back my point with a fist if it really needed to come to that. Somewhere though from then until now, I've done a complete 180 degree turn. I don't want to deal with people, I don't want to right the wrongs anymore. I just take what is handed to me and try to be happy with it. There has been a couple times in the last few years where I have finally had to put my foot down and say something. I don't regret those times. I'm tired of being walked on and taken advantage of. By letting everyone do it for so long all I've done is push myself further and further behind and to be honest, I miss the old me. So to put this to an end all I will say is I will still give you the shirt off my back and the last cent in my pocket, but if you try to take it, you are going to get kicked in the dink.
"I myself am entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions." - Maybe it's time we create a new monster.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Can one man really change the world?
To be honest, I have no clue. I can only hope to change the man that is in the world around me. 2014 was a good year in many respects, but I am not sad to see it leave. As I sit here writing this I am recovering from my second knee surgery. The first one I had 4+ years ago being a total fail. While I've been sitting here for the last month it has given me a lot of time to think about my life. I have reflected some on the past, but mostly I'm trying to look towards the future. A lot of people these days people pick a word they are trying to adhere to for the new year. Grow, achieve, strength, and peace are but a few I have seen. I won't say that I am going to jump on the band wagon for this new trend but I have come up with a word, a sentiment that resonates very deeply inside of me and has been building up for a very long time. Reclaim.
I had actually planned on writing this long poetic post about how I had come to this point. I think I've changed my mind. I've decided that I'm tired of looking back. I'm tired of hanging on to thoughts and memories that are more like chains. I'm beginning to feel like an old Jacob Marley meandering my way through my existence. I'm taking my life back. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Instead, I'm going to write about the things I hope to achieve in this new year. Not resolutions necessarily...just hopes.
Bet you can't guess what numero uno is, can you? Yeah the whole weight battle continues on. I'm really hoping that with this new surgery I can finally start getting out and doing more, moving more, with less fatigue and pain. It's hard to believe how much one measly little knee can inhibit your whole life, but it really does. I realize my weight issues only exacerbate the problem, but tic for tac. I need something to give a little in one direction to make the other right, you know? Heather has been beating paleo for a couple of years now and it has done wonders for her. While I don't necessarily want to take my diet as far as she does, I'm hoping I can play off of her and make some drastic improvements on my intake. One thing has to lead to another, right?
Last Christmas my sisters went in together and gave me a new Canon Rebel T3 digital slr camera. It was one of the best, my thoughtful gifts I had ever received. Photography, aside from music really has been my biggest passion in life. I used to have to a beautiful canon slr 35mm camera but due to unfortunate circumstances we had to part ways. I want to get out and use that camera as much as I possibly can this year. In '14 we started a postcard club with Highland Handmades where we went all over the state, every month, taking pictures of places, landmarks, etc.. I really want to continue on with that but I want to go further. When I was in high school I did actually managed to sell a few prints of my photos. I would love to do that again. I don't know if I could ever take it to a spot where it would be a livable income, but even if it just gave us some savings or extra spending cash it would be a dream come true. I would also like to use some of those photos to start blogging more often. H and I take off on quite a few little adventures here and there and we have a lot of fun. I think it's time I start sharing more of it. I will start posting some of the pictures and stories here as time progresses but I did also start a flickr account to share the pictures. You can go to www.flickr.com/photos/kinnepaul and check out some of the places we've been in '14. I do need to upload a bunch since I haven't really done any since September.
I've also finally taken on a new hobby. SEWING! (Gender smashing, for the win! haha) I'm still a novice and have a lot to learn but Heather is trying her best to teach me and bless her she has the patience of a saint. Let's see if I can conjure up a couple pictures of what I've done so far.
I've also done three pillowcases which at the moment I'm having trouble locating pictures of, a bunch of catnip toys, and a project bag for Heather as well. I'm currently working on a controller caddy that will hang off the side of the couch and house the t.v. remote as well as the controllers for the Playstation and Xbox.
As time goes on I will keep posting pictures of finished projects. I still have so much to learn and I don't know how long this hobby will last but I'm having fun as I go. I actually gave away the project bag you see above in a contest and the person who won seemed quite happy so I guess I must be doing something right.
The other major thing I'd like to get done for '15 is to move out of Brownville. We are both so tired of living here. The guilt that weighs on me for making Heather stay here is honestly becoming unbearable. She hates it here. She always has, but its becoming so pent up that it's pouring out. It has gotten to the point that it is truly unhealthy and affecting both of us physically and mentally. She is staying here for me and I can never show her how much I appreciate that. But I am not putting this on her. The fact of the matter is, I've gotten to the point I hate it as much as she does. I need a fresh start. This past August I actually thought we were going to be able to get out of here. We found a house we liked on a property we loved, we even started the buying process, getting financing, putting in a bid and then, the day after we put the bid in, they pulled it off of the market. We were honestly heartbroken. We put off looking for a place for the fall because we didn't want to move in the middle of winter and I needed to have surgery. At this point, I'm willing to buy a parcel of land and build a shack on it to live in. As long as we have room to sleep and for her to work that's all I care about. We want to get down closer to the coast. We have a bunch of friends who already live down there, and it is the area in the state we like best. Everything about it just makes sense. It's time to start the biggest adventure of them all.
I had actually planned on writing this long poetic post about how I had come to this point. I think I've changed my mind. I've decided that I'm tired of looking back. I'm tired of hanging on to thoughts and memories that are more like chains. I'm beginning to feel like an old Jacob Marley meandering my way through my existence. I'm taking my life back. Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Instead, I'm going to write about the things I hope to achieve in this new year. Not resolutions necessarily...just hopes.
Bet you can't guess what numero uno is, can you? Yeah the whole weight battle continues on. I'm really hoping that with this new surgery I can finally start getting out and doing more, moving more, with less fatigue and pain. It's hard to believe how much one measly little knee can inhibit your whole life, but it really does. I realize my weight issues only exacerbate the problem, but tic for tac. I need something to give a little in one direction to make the other right, you know? Heather has been beating paleo for a couple of years now and it has done wonders for her. While I don't necessarily want to take my diet as far as she does, I'm hoping I can play off of her and make some drastic improvements on my intake. One thing has to lead to another, right?
Last Christmas my sisters went in together and gave me a new Canon Rebel T3 digital slr camera. It was one of the best, my thoughtful gifts I had ever received. Photography, aside from music really has been my biggest passion in life. I used to have to a beautiful canon slr 35mm camera but due to unfortunate circumstances we had to part ways. I want to get out and use that camera as much as I possibly can this year. In '14 we started a postcard club with Highland Handmades where we went all over the state, every month, taking pictures of places, landmarks, etc.. I really want to continue on with that but I want to go further. When I was in high school I did actually managed to sell a few prints of my photos. I would love to do that again. I don't know if I could ever take it to a spot where it would be a livable income, but even if it just gave us some savings or extra spending cash it would be a dream come true. I would also like to use some of those photos to start blogging more often. H and I take off on quite a few little adventures here and there and we have a lot of fun. I think it's time I start sharing more of it. I will start posting some of the pictures and stories here as time progresses but I did also start a flickr account to share the pictures. You can go to www.flickr.com/photos/kinnepaul and check out some of the places we've been in '14. I do need to upload a bunch since I haven't really done any since September.
I've also done three pillowcases which at the moment I'm having trouble locating pictures of, a bunch of catnip toys, and a project bag for Heather as well. I'm currently working on a controller caddy that will hang off the side of the couch and house the t.v. remote as well as the controllers for the Playstation and Xbox.
As time goes on I will keep posting pictures of finished projects. I still have so much to learn and I don't know how long this hobby will last but I'm having fun as I go. I actually gave away the project bag you see above in a contest and the person who won seemed quite happy so I guess I must be doing something right.
The other major thing I'd like to get done for '15 is to move out of Brownville. We are both so tired of living here. The guilt that weighs on me for making Heather stay here is honestly becoming unbearable. She hates it here. She always has, but its becoming so pent up that it's pouring out. It has gotten to the point that it is truly unhealthy and affecting both of us physically and mentally. She is staying here for me and I can never show her how much I appreciate that. But I am not putting this on her. The fact of the matter is, I've gotten to the point I hate it as much as she does. I need a fresh start. This past August I actually thought we were going to be able to get out of here. We found a house we liked on a property we loved, we even started the buying process, getting financing, putting in a bid and then, the day after we put the bid in, they pulled it off of the market. We were honestly heartbroken. We put off looking for a place for the fall because we didn't want to move in the middle of winter and I needed to have surgery. At this point, I'm willing to buy a parcel of land and build a shack on it to live in. As long as we have room to sleep and for her to work that's all I care about. We want to get down closer to the coast. We have a bunch of friends who already live down there, and it is the area in the state we like best. Everything about it just makes sense. It's time to start the biggest adventure of them all.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Eight years ago my life changed forever. It was eight years ago tonight that a girl took what was, is, and probably ever will be the biggest chance of her life by meeting a boy that had the gumption to message her completely out of the blue and asked her if she was willing to get to know him. It took guts on both sides. And it worked.
That dinner changed everything. Eight years ago tonight I met Heather for the very first time at the 99 Restaurant in Bangor. We had our dinner and conversation and proceeded to the local book store where I proceeded to shock her into 16 shades of red by purchasing a hot pink erotica book because she didn't dare to buy because of her job. I wanted to show her that I really didn't care what other people thought of me and to show her that I was willing to do whatever I could to make her happy. I think it worked.
That night I fell in affection with her. Within two weeks I had completely fallen in love. She knew it and was hesitant. But what can I say, I'm stubborn and I wore her down...or convinced her, yeah, convincing sounds better. I convinced her that I was the right one for her. From that day on, we have been inseparable and it's been one hell of a ride. Its been up and its been down, and there's been times it's like driving over a mile of speed bumps but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the cosmos.
I love her more today, than I did yesterday and a hundred times more than I did when I first fell in love with her (which at the time I didn't think would be possible). All of my life I have been a rock and foundation for those around me, letting me help them along their way. Heather stepped in and became the first person ever to try and hold me up. She has supported me to no ends, righted me when I am wrong and done everything in her power to make me smile. Her dancing usually works. While we do have a few things in common we are one of the best examples of opposites attracting each other and it works so well that it has to be right.
We are both bull headed and love a good arguement, but we don't belittle each other in doing so. She works harder than I could ever ask anyone to. She is smart (smarter than me, but don't tell her I said that) and quick witted and always keeps me on my toes (except when I wind up on the floor, trying to make her lunch....sorry hon, had to throw it in there). She is dedicated and loves me like no other has and for all of that, she is perfect.
I am proud of the person she has blossomed into over the years we have been together. I am beyond words of the pride I feel in her for taking the chances she has in life. The steps she has taken takes more guts than most people can muster and I will continue to support her for as long as she so chooses to keep fighting for what she wants. I am proud of her for standing on her own two feet and grabbing this life by the tenders and saying you're going to do what I want or we're going to have a problem. I am proud to call her my wife.
Heather Naomi Monroe Kinne. There really are no words I can write, say, draw, or express to show you how much I love you, and how grateful I am to have you in my life. This trip may not always go the way we want it too, but there is absolutely no other person in this world that I would rather take it with. Despite what you may think at times, you make my life better. You make me a better person. You keep the Bear alive inside of me. For that, and all the love you have given me
all I can simply say is Thank you.
That dinner changed everything. Eight years ago tonight I met Heather for the very first time at the 99 Restaurant in Bangor. We had our dinner and conversation and proceeded to the local book store where I proceeded to shock her into 16 shades of red by purchasing a hot pink erotica book because she didn't dare to buy because of her job. I wanted to show her that I really didn't care what other people thought of me and to show her that I was willing to do whatever I could to make her happy. I think it worked.
That night I fell in affection with her. Within two weeks I had completely fallen in love. She knew it and was hesitant. But what can I say, I'm stubborn and I wore her down...or convinced her, yeah, convincing sounds better. I convinced her that I was the right one for her. From that day on, we have been inseparable and it's been one hell of a ride. Its been up and its been down, and there's been times it's like driving over a mile of speed bumps but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the cosmos.
I love her more today, than I did yesterday and a hundred times more than I did when I first fell in love with her (which at the time I didn't think would be possible). All of my life I have been a rock and foundation for those around me, letting me help them along their way. Heather stepped in and became the first person ever to try and hold me up. She has supported me to no ends, righted me when I am wrong and done everything in her power to make me smile. Her dancing usually works. While we do have a few things in common we are one of the best examples of opposites attracting each other and it works so well that it has to be right.
We are both bull headed and love a good arguement, but we don't belittle each other in doing so. She works harder than I could ever ask anyone to. She is smart (smarter than me, but don't tell her I said that) and quick witted and always keeps me on my toes (except when I wind up on the floor, trying to make her lunch....sorry hon, had to throw it in there). She is dedicated and loves me like no other has and for all of that, she is perfect.
I am proud of the person she has blossomed into over the years we have been together. I am beyond words of the pride I feel in her for taking the chances she has in life. The steps she has taken takes more guts than most people can muster and I will continue to support her for as long as she so chooses to keep fighting for what she wants. I am proud of her for standing on her own two feet and grabbing this life by the tenders and saying you're going to do what I want or we're going to have a problem. I am proud to call her my wife.
Heather Naomi Monroe Kinne. There really are no words I can write, say, draw, or express to show you how much I love you, and how grateful I am to have you in my life. This trip may not always go the way we want it too, but there is absolutely no other person in this world that I would rather take it with. Despite what you may think at times, you make my life better. You make me a better person. You keep the Bear alive inside of me. For that, and all the love you have given me
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Better late than never
Yeah, I'm running a little late on the picture post. It really has been a whirlwind of a week. We'll get to that in a little bit though. For now lets see if I can get some images on here without having a mental breakdown.
When I was sitting in my wife's craft room the other day I noticed how inefficiently everything was set up. It wasn't her fault, she just didn't have the proper work spaces to do what she needed to do. So this whole concept started with the idea of building her a new desk. The one that was being replaced was approx 2 x3. I built it a few years ago out of an old dining room table. It worked at the time but that was before Highland Handmades took off. Fast forward to now and just one of her pieces of equipment can consume that whole spot. That's when I decided to come up with this.
The size of the room made it difficult to get a good picture but here it is. All 7 feet of her. For being built out of 2 x 4's and plywood I am quite happy with the way it turned out. As much as I would have loved to spend the time building my wife a truly hand crafted table out of cherry or maple, it really didn't make much sense. To build a desk the right way out of hardwood lumber would have taken me 30-40 hours of labor and probably doubled my cost. This table and the two sets of shelves you are about to see cost me about $65.00 in material and a total of about 10 hours labor. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my wood working. I have to keep telling myself that this is only a work table and it's going to get dinged and nicked up. It DOESN'T need to be made out of high grade lumber. I've become very spoiled working at the mill. I get to see some of the most beautiful hardwood lumber that would have most craftsmen drooling and I get first pick. In the end what it all boils down to is this...She's happy, so I'm happy.
Next we get onto the shelves. Obviously when you decide to build something you start with a plan. Whether it's a plan you find online, in a magazine or one you come up with yourself. You need something basic to go by. I sat down for the rest of that whole evening with a calculator and a graph paper notebook. I knew when I started I wanted to do a set of shelves as well. Somehow I had to figure out how to get that desk as well as a whole set of shelves out of one piece of plywood. I knew it was possible but my measurements and my cuts had to be dead on. These are what I wound up with...
Standing just a hair over 6 feet tall and 27 inches wide these took the place of the cheap aluminum ones we had. These are 10x stronger and in my opinion look 10x better, especially with a beautiful lady draped over them.
So I posted last Friday about how I was going to get the pictures up here. Well there are 2 reasons that didn't happen and here they are...
First off, as I was drinking my coffee Saturday morning I couldn't stop thinking about a few extra pieces of that beautiful cabinet grade plywood I had left. I have been bored out of my mind this winter sitting at home with nothing to do. Spending the past two days in the garage was kind of a dream come true, and I wanted more.
After a quick trip to the garage to get all the measurements of my left over pieces, I headed to the graph paper. After a few rough sketches and another cup of coffee, I headed back into the garage. Approximately an hour later I emerged with these.
I'm hoping these little guys will come in handy. I fashioned them together in such a way that they were meant to be versatile. 24" wide by 10" deep and 16" tall, these guys will fit on top of just about any desk or cabinet. The way they are built would also allow them to be hung straight from a wall. They are good for just about anything you can think of, books, bobbins, beer bottles. Whatever you need for your upcoming work day.
When I started this whole plan of revamping the work area I had no intention of coming up with this second set of shelves. I am really pleased with how much I got out of the one sheet of plywood with very little waste. And not to toot my own horn, I think they look pretty good too.
By the time I had managed to get these shelves to their finished state and up in her craft room it was about 3 pm. We had dinner plans at 4 so I needed to get cleaned up and out the door.
A little over 14 months ago a friend of mine had a little baby girl. Karlee is one of the sweetest little girls you will ever meet, but there has always been something wrong. She's had jaundice for months. They have gone to doctors all over the state and are now going to Boston to try and figure out what is causing her liver problems. Well they finally nailed it. The problem is, no one has ever seen it before. Their best solution is to give her a liver transplant.
They have all been through so much that some people decided to throw them a benefit supper. It was a donation at the door spaghetti feed with a 50/50 drawing, ticket/prize raffles and auctions galore. People and businesses really stepped up for this one. There were over 50 items donated for the silent auction. 2 dozen $25 gift cards donated for another raffle and at least 30 themed gift baskets donated for the basket raffle.
We tried to help out what we could by donating this little beauty to one of the basket raffles...
This basket consists of two of our bulky weight yarns dyed up in Autumnish colors and aptly named "Bushel". We also put in a brand new set of bamboo needles and the 'Harvest Wheat Scarf Pattern' that my wife designed herself. I won't lie..I sneaked a peek in the can to see how the response was to the basket...I was pleasantly surprised...sssshhhhh
The turn out was amazing. The dinner was held at the Brownville Elementary School in the gym and let's just say, it was probably a good thing the local fire marshal was attending as a dinner guest and not on business. They served a little over 400 meals and they estimated that there between 100-200 people came that just came to socialize and put in for the auctions, etc.
In a small town area where the two closest towns combined only equals about 3200, a 600+ turn out in my mind is extraordinary. When it was all said and done they raised just shy of $10,000 dollars for baby Karlee. A true testament of how small town life can step up, even when the world and the economy are going to hell. On that night I was proud to say I was born and raised in Brownville.
As I stated this week has been a roller coaster ride and a half. I would like to explain more but this post is already long enough. I will come back sometime in the next couple days and try to get everyone caught up on the happenings as well as the regular segments.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, folks!
When I was sitting in my wife's craft room the other day I noticed how inefficiently everything was set up. It wasn't her fault, she just didn't have the proper work spaces to do what she needed to do. So this whole concept started with the idea of building her a new desk. The one that was being replaced was approx 2 x3. I built it a few years ago out of an old dining room table. It worked at the time but that was before Highland Handmades took off. Fast forward to now and just one of her pieces of equipment can consume that whole spot. That's when I decided to come up with this.
The size of the room made it difficult to get a good picture but here it is. All 7 feet of her. For being built out of 2 x 4's and plywood I am quite happy with the way it turned out. As much as I would have loved to spend the time building my wife a truly hand crafted table out of cherry or maple, it really didn't make much sense. To build a desk the right way out of hardwood lumber would have taken me 30-40 hours of labor and probably doubled my cost. This table and the two sets of shelves you are about to see cost me about $65.00 in material and a total of about 10 hours labor. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my wood working. I have to keep telling myself that this is only a work table and it's going to get dinged and nicked up. It DOESN'T need to be made out of high grade lumber. I've become very spoiled working at the mill. I get to see some of the most beautiful hardwood lumber that would have most craftsmen drooling and I get first pick. In the end what it all boils down to is this...She's happy, so I'm happy.
Next we get onto the shelves. Obviously when you decide to build something you start with a plan. Whether it's a plan you find online, in a magazine or one you come up with yourself. You need something basic to go by. I sat down for the rest of that whole evening with a calculator and a graph paper notebook. I knew when I started I wanted to do a set of shelves as well. Somehow I had to figure out how to get that desk as well as a whole set of shelves out of one piece of plywood. I knew it was possible but my measurements and my cuts had to be dead on. These are what I wound up with...
Standing just a hair over 6 feet tall and 27 inches wide these took the place of the cheap aluminum ones we had. These are 10x stronger and in my opinion look 10x better, especially with a beautiful lady draped over them.
So I posted last Friday about how I was going to get the pictures up here. Well there are 2 reasons that didn't happen and here they are...
First off, as I was drinking my coffee Saturday morning I couldn't stop thinking about a few extra pieces of that beautiful cabinet grade plywood I had left. I have been bored out of my mind this winter sitting at home with nothing to do. Spending the past two days in the garage was kind of a dream come true, and I wanted more.
After a quick trip to the garage to get all the measurements of my left over pieces, I headed to the graph paper. After a few rough sketches and another cup of coffee, I headed back into the garage. Approximately an hour later I emerged with these.
I'm hoping these little guys will come in handy. I fashioned them together in such a way that they were meant to be versatile. 24" wide by 10" deep and 16" tall, these guys will fit on top of just about any desk or cabinet. The way they are built would also allow them to be hung straight from a wall. They are good for just about anything you can think of, books, bobbins, beer bottles. Whatever you need for your upcoming work day.
When I started this whole plan of revamping the work area I had no intention of coming up with this second set of shelves. I am really pleased with how much I got out of the one sheet of plywood with very little waste. And not to toot my own horn, I think they look pretty good too.
By the time I had managed to get these shelves to their finished state and up in her craft room it was about 3 pm. We had dinner plans at 4 so I needed to get cleaned up and out the door.
A little over 14 months ago a friend of mine had a little baby girl. Karlee is one of the sweetest little girls you will ever meet, but there has always been something wrong. She's had jaundice for months. They have gone to doctors all over the state and are now going to Boston to try and figure out what is causing her liver problems. Well they finally nailed it. The problem is, no one has ever seen it before. Their best solution is to give her a liver transplant.
They have all been through so much that some people decided to throw them a benefit supper. It was a donation at the door spaghetti feed with a 50/50 drawing, ticket/prize raffles and auctions galore. People and businesses really stepped up for this one. There were over 50 items donated for the silent auction. 2 dozen $25 gift cards donated for another raffle and at least 30 themed gift baskets donated for the basket raffle.
We tried to help out what we could by donating this little beauty to one of the basket raffles...
This basket consists of two of our bulky weight yarns dyed up in Autumnish colors and aptly named "Bushel". We also put in a brand new set of bamboo needles and the 'Harvest Wheat Scarf Pattern' that my wife designed herself. I won't lie..I sneaked a peek in the can to see how the response was to the basket...I was pleasantly surprised...sssshhhhh
The turn out was amazing. The dinner was held at the Brownville Elementary School in the gym and let's just say, it was probably a good thing the local fire marshal was attending as a dinner guest and not on business. They served a little over 400 meals and they estimated that there between 100-200 people came that just came to socialize and put in for the auctions, etc.
In a small town area where the two closest towns combined only equals about 3200, a 600+ turn out in my mind is extraordinary. When it was all said and done they raised just shy of $10,000 dollars for baby Karlee. A true testament of how small town life can step up, even when the world and the economy are going to hell. On that night I was proud to say I was born and raised in Brownville.
As I stated this week has been a roller coaster ride and a half. I would like to explain more but this post is already long enough. I will come back sometime in the next couple days and try to get everyone caught up on the happenings as well as the regular segments.
Enjoy the rest of the weekend, folks!
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Great Flood of 2011...
Actually it's a pretty minor flood. Some of the smaller streams and rivers are supposed to spill over from the inch and half of rain we are getting today. But, the rain is melting this @$#%$*! snow therefore it's GREATTTTT. Yay for springish like weather!!!
Let's just jump right into things shall we. Health wise I am still in a complete holding pattern. I still don't have any answers to anything and I still don't have any appointments booked with the cardiologist or the weight loss clinic. I know for a fact that both places have received my referrals so I'm not real sure what the hold up is.
Also, both my primary care doctor and my knee surgeon have reneged on their promises to write me letters of clearance to go back to work. The letter my knee surgeon sent to the mill is not what we discussed when I spoke to him. He maintains that it is and isn't willing to budge. The primary has decided she will not clear me until I meet with the cardiologist. I expected this to begin with. What upsets me is that she told me she would clear me and got my hopes up only to turn around and change her mind. At this point I don't know when I will be going back to work and it's looking like the knee surgery might have to get put on hold until next year.
I am on short term disability through my job. I am only allowed 26 weeks of disability a year. Right now I am already on week no. 6. I am afraid that by the time I meet with the cardiologist and figure things out with them and what may have to be done with my heart I will not have any time left for the knee surgery. I don't like the idea of this but right now there is absolutely nothing I can do. The mill isn't running to full capacity right now due to the economy and they certainly aren't willing to take any chances of bringing me back without clearance. I'm in a hurry up and wait kind of mood.
It's no big secret that I love wood working. My love of building things started at a young age being around my Grandfathers who were both master carpenters. Over the years I have built everything from cribbage and cutting boards to chairs, bird houses and book cases. I love working with my hands and there is a deep, deep satisfaction when you get to use something that you yourself made. We are into our third year of Highland Handmades and as it has grown it has slowly and unstoppably consumed our home. I give my wife quite a bit of grief about it but in all reality I don't really mind. She loves what she is doing and I have to fully admit, I enjoy it too.
on Wednesday as we were trying to get some packages put together and sent out it became all to apparent that our "work station" aka a desk, wasn't working at all. So being the completely bored out of my mind craftsman that I am, I devised a plan of building my wife a whole new work area.
After hemming and hawing for a few hours and trying to pry some ideas and opinions from my wife I came up with a plan. Thursday morning I made a flying trip to Home Depot with my trusty sidekick, Jax. We made it home about 11a.m. and I spent the next 5 hours toiling away in the garage. The end result is a 36" tall table that measures 24" deep and 84" long. It's built out of 2x4 frame work and topped with a 3/4" piece of cabinet grade plywood that is trimmed out in basswood. I have to admit that I am quite pleased with how it turned out. Today when I am done blogging I am headed back into the garage to try and fashion together a new set of shelves. Currently we have a set of the cheap aluminum ones which in all reality the sewing machine that is setting on them is too much weight.
When Heather has a moment (hopefully tonight or tomorrow) I am going to ask her to help me post some pictures on here of the two pieces. I would try to do it myself but the last time I tried posting pictures on here I damn near had a fit.
I do have more to say but since I will be posting again tomorrow I am going to cut this one a little short.
Have a great day folks
Let's just jump right into things shall we. Health wise I am still in a complete holding pattern. I still don't have any answers to anything and I still don't have any appointments booked with the cardiologist or the weight loss clinic. I know for a fact that both places have received my referrals so I'm not real sure what the hold up is.
Also, both my primary care doctor and my knee surgeon have reneged on their promises to write me letters of clearance to go back to work. The letter my knee surgeon sent to the mill is not what we discussed when I spoke to him. He maintains that it is and isn't willing to budge. The primary has decided she will not clear me until I meet with the cardiologist. I expected this to begin with. What upsets me is that she told me she would clear me and got my hopes up only to turn around and change her mind. At this point I don't know when I will be going back to work and it's looking like the knee surgery might have to get put on hold until next year.
I am on short term disability through my job. I am only allowed 26 weeks of disability a year. Right now I am already on week no. 6. I am afraid that by the time I meet with the cardiologist and figure things out with them and what may have to be done with my heart I will not have any time left for the knee surgery. I don't like the idea of this but right now there is absolutely nothing I can do. The mill isn't running to full capacity right now due to the economy and they certainly aren't willing to take any chances of bringing me back without clearance. I'm in a hurry up and wait kind of mood.
It's no big secret that I love wood working. My love of building things started at a young age being around my Grandfathers who were both master carpenters. Over the years I have built everything from cribbage and cutting boards to chairs, bird houses and book cases. I love working with my hands and there is a deep, deep satisfaction when you get to use something that you yourself made. We are into our third year of Highland Handmades and as it has grown it has slowly and unstoppably consumed our home. I give my wife quite a bit of grief about it but in all reality I don't really mind. She loves what she is doing and I have to fully admit, I enjoy it too.
on Wednesday as we were trying to get some packages put together and sent out it became all to apparent that our "work station" aka a desk, wasn't working at all. So being the completely bored out of my mind craftsman that I am, I devised a plan of building my wife a whole new work area.
After hemming and hawing for a few hours and trying to pry some ideas and opinions from my wife I came up with a plan. Thursday morning I made a flying trip to Home Depot with my trusty sidekick, Jax. We made it home about 11a.m. and I spent the next 5 hours toiling away in the garage. The end result is a 36" tall table that measures 24" deep and 84" long. It's built out of 2x4 frame work and topped with a 3/4" piece of cabinet grade plywood that is trimmed out in basswood. I have to admit that I am quite pleased with how it turned out. Today when I am done blogging I am headed back into the garage to try and fashion together a new set of shelves. Currently we have a set of the cheap aluminum ones which in all reality the sewing machine that is setting on them is too much weight.
When Heather has a moment (hopefully tonight or tomorrow) I am going to ask her to help me post some pictures on here of the two pieces. I would try to do it myself but the last time I tried posting pictures on here I damn near had a fit.
I do have more to say but since I will be posting again tomorrow I am going to cut this one a little short.
Have a great day folks
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The next edition
My life is changing.
It's happening in both the ways I have wanted and hadn't. There's not much I can do about the things I didn't want except to try to heal, fix and improve them for the future.
I've come to the realization that with these changes are permanent. Again some because they have to be, some because I want them to be.
I've tried hard never to take my life for granted. I admittedly fail at that sometimes. I can't anymore. I have known for a very long time that life can be snuffed out quickly and I think the last couple weeks has been a stark reminder of this.
I'm not trying to sound all down and depressed here, it's really quite the opposite.
I want to do more with my life. Do all the things I've dreamed of and go to the places, see the things, experience the experiences. That way whenever I do have to move on. I can do so saying I did things my way.
Part of the change I have decided is to open myself more to people. Share the things I experience and discover. So on that note, I give you the newest edition of "A Bear's Tale". Gone is the generic black theme and up comes something a lot more personal and something I love. I love maps, old, new it doesn't matter. I can sit there for hours and paw over them. I love seeing how things used to be a century or two ago and how they are now. I think it's kind of a fitting theme to my new outlook. Old changing to new.
You'll see I've also added a couple lists, which I will be updating regularly and may be adding more categories as things go on. Music is something I haven't really talked about much on here which is amazing because it is a huge part of my life. I have loved music for as long as I can remember. I listen to it every day, I used to play several instruments. I love the making of the instruments and everything about the whole industry in general. It's time I start passing a little of that love along. I'm also thinking about putting up a places to go and events list. What do you think?
I'm trying to make this place, my little blip of the internet more personal. Before it felt like just a blank canvas to throw out a few stories and updates. I want to make this place my online home. I want to make it feel more like me and not something everyone has.
We'll see if I can succeed in my new mission. I'm glad I've got you all here with me because it's definitely going to be an interesting ride.
It's happening in both the ways I have wanted and hadn't. There's not much I can do about the things I didn't want except to try to heal, fix and improve them for the future.
I've come to the realization that with these changes are permanent. Again some because they have to be, some because I want them to be.
I've tried hard never to take my life for granted. I admittedly fail at that sometimes. I can't anymore. I have known for a very long time that life can be snuffed out quickly and I think the last couple weeks has been a stark reminder of this.
I'm not trying to sound all down and depressed here, it's really quite the opposite.
I want to do more with my life. Do all the things I've dreamed of and go to the places, see the things, experience the experiences. That way whenever I do have to move on. I can do so saying I did things my way.
Part of the change I have decided is to open myself more to people. Share the things I experience and discover. So on that note, I give you the newest edition of "A Bear's Tale". Gone is the generic black theme and up comes something a lot more personal and something I love. I love maps, old, new it doesn't matter. I can sit there for hours and paw over them. I love seeing how things used to be a century or two ago and how they are now. I think it's kind of a fitting theme to my new outlook. Old changing to new.
You'll see I've also added a couple lists, which I will be updating regularly and may be adding more categories as things go on. Music is something I haven't really talked about much on here which is amazing because it is a huge part of my life. I have loved music for as long as I can remember. I listen to it every day, I used to play several instruments. I love the making of the instruments and everything about the whole industry in general. It's time I start passing a little of that love along. I'm also thinking about putting up a places to go and events list. What do you think?
I'm trying to make this place, my little blip of the internet more personal. Before it felt like just a blank canvas to throw out a few stories and updates. I want to make this place my online home. I want to make it feel more like me and not something everyone has.
We'll see if I can succeed in my new mission. I'm glad I've got you all here with me because it's definitely going to be an interesting ride.
Have you ever...
had that feeling that so much is going on and you're trying so hard to make sense of everything and what to do that when you think of it, you just feel tired?
That's kind of where I'm at. The last time we talked I had said how I had made the trip to the ER with the chest pains, etc. Well, over the last few weeks I have been put through a battery of blood tests, stress tests, imaging test and the works. So far what I know is that my blood pressure is running a little high. Nothing extreme but they have started me on a low dose of hypertension meds and a daily regiment of aspirin.
The second thing that I know is that there IS some damage done to my heart. After completing both a treadmill stress test and a nuclear dye/adrenaline test they have determined there is some damage from a past cardiac event even though my heart seems to be functioning as properly as it can at this point. I DO NOT know the extent of the damage or what might have caused the damage. It could have been a heart attack, a weak muscle, anything and I don't know. I am being sent to a cardiologist in the city and I don't even have the appointment date yet.
Right now I am beyond frustrated with my lack of knowledge. I have a doctors appointment in a week and half with my primary care and I'm hoping I'll get a few more answers then. Tuesday I met with my knee surgeon and we have both agreed that the surgery has to be put on hold until this whole mess can be cleared up. He doesn't want to take any extra chances since he is putting me in an extensive surgery for 4 to 5 hours which will be hard enough on my system to begin with.
He is adamant about the surgery, however. After talking it over with him there is no real other treatment route to go. He hates the idea of doing this extensive of a surgery because there are risks involved but as he put it "you've got a set of tires that are way out of alignment and have been for a long long time, sooner or later those tires are just going to blow and there's no repairing them at all". If we can repair my knee the way he wants to Now I should be good to go for a replacement later on down the road. If I don't do anything and suffer through it, he said the chances of doing anything in a few more years will be nil.
So I guess thats about enough of the health crap for now. The weight loss has been pretty much non existant since the heart issues started because I was told to do no strenuous activities except light walking and lets face facts. It's Maine. It's winter. It's -25 fucking degrees. I'm not walking. I have been gingerly riding the exercise bike but its not moving me forward just keeping me where I'm at which I guess is better than going up.
So what else has been going on? This past weekend Heather and I made our way down to Freeport to the first (that we know of) fiber/yarn show of the year. We weren't vending at this particular show, just going to check it out as neither of us had ever been. I was impressed with the venue and the amount of people that were there. We met up with some other vendors we had talked to and got to know at previous shows. It was fun catching up with our friends and it really got us geared up for the show season this year. Our first show isn't until May. Now we're trying to find one in April cause we just want to do it that badly.
Since we are on the subject of fiber and yarns, I have made a very big decision in my life. We, at some point in the future, are going to own a buffalo. Yes, you read that correctly. I said a buffalo. I have always loved and admired buffalos. There are a couple different buffalo/bison farms in the state which I have visited over the years just because I love watching them so. Well, it turns out that buffalo down is a very desirable fiber. It is all harvested very ethically which I love and when I found this all out I decided I wanted a pair of buffalo down mittens. Heather took to the task of finding some down and then we both said in unision "Holy Shit".
Buffalo down goes for on average $100 AN OUNCE. not a pound...not half a pound...an OUNCE. It takes roughly 4 ounces to do a pair of mittens. Now its understandable that you really don't get that much fiber from a buffalo in one shot because basically you just walk around picking up pieces that have shed off. It takes a while to collect enough worthy of spinning.
So we let the idea of the mittens go and after many days of pondering to myself I said that I would really love to own a buffalo one day. I got online and did some research and I found out that although they are huge animals and do require a little room they are quite easy to maintain and a lot more affordable than most people think. A heifer costs on average around $1200 and a bull costs around $1400.
I know I'm not very smart but it seems to me that in reality you should be able to recoup your costs of the animal within a year or two just on the fiber alone. I could be wrong. I think though, if we had the right piece of land with good grazing and watering capabilities a buffalo would sustain itself for the most part, and most of my research backs me up on this. So yes. I will own a buffalo. a big furry cuddly buffalo. and I will hug him and squeeze him and I will name him George.
So reading is a big part of my life. Ever since I was a wee lil one I always preferred books to toys. So I thought as a new addition to my blog I would start a little snippet about what I'm reading and what I think of it. If any of you who read this enjoy reading as much as I do (and yes, Heather this even means you), tell me about it. I love hearing about new books and am open to suggestions. Well except for really sappy romance novels, sorry guys I just can't do it.
So currently I am reading two series but for now we are going to stick with the one I have my nose in today. The series is the "King Raven" trilogy by Stephen R. Lawhead. What Lawhead has done has taken the Robin Hood legacy, flipped it upside down and made it all grown up for us big people. The books are aptly titled "Hood", "Scarlet", and "Tuck". Hood starts off the series with a young Welsh prince without a care in the world except attracting the attention of Merian. Normans have taken over England and are making conquest for Wales. His father the king is killed trying to save his land and the prince himself becomes the hunted as well. Almost killed after being captured by the Normans he is taken deep into the greenwood of Wales and brought back to life by what he deems an old witch. Towards the end of the book you start to see the formation of the hero but in a far different light. Also in this book you see how Lawhead has taken the classic characters of Little John and Friar Tuck and breathed a new life into them.
I am currently about half way through "Scarlet". I love it. I can't say enough how much I love it and how much I thouroughly enjoy the way that Lawhead writes. This book starts off with Will Scarlet in a Norman prison relaying his story to a priest of his adventures with the hood. I can say with all honesty, in the thousands of books I have read in my lifetime that I believe this Will Scarlet is my favorite character ever. As I read this book I can so clearly hear Will Scarlet's voice in my head it's like I'm sitting there in the prison listening in on the conversation. If you at all enjoy the idea or story of Robin Hood and you can keep an open mind, please, please, read this series. This is a stripped down, raw, taken back into the earth, natural version of Robin Hood.
Stephen Lawhead is very quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. I began to read another one of his novels, The Skin Map, but quit halfway through since the next book isn't due out for atleast another 9 months. I'm the type that likes to read them bang bang boom style. From what I read however, I would recommend it as well.
I know this is a long post already but I need to keep with my commitment of sharing a little snippet or story of mine that brings back a happy memory. I know my wife loves this one so I'll put it out there for those of you who haven't heard it yet. I was a little bit of a hellraiser when I was younger. I always had a good time one way or another, usually at my own expense and other peoples amusement. If you dared me not to do something or told me I couldn't, I proved you wrong.
So one night I was in Bangor with my brother and a friend of ours. It was about 7:30pm and we were at McDonald's. It wasn't packed but there were a few people in there. As you probably know most McDonald's are nothing but plate glass windows on three sides and as we were walking out my friend dared me I wouldn't do a belly press on the glass. Now you got to remember..I weighed about 340 at the time. It took me about .5 seconds to decide and sure enough a guy half way through a bite of his mcchicken got a site I'm sure he still hasn't forgotten. I'll admit the glass was a bit cold and it was hot out so it left a nice ummm "outline" we'll call it on the glass. As we jumped in the car and sped off laughing we did a lap around the McD's to find that the outlines of my curvacious upper half were still dominantly steamed into the glass and the guy as well as a couple others looking at the window horrified.
The moral to this story? Don't eat at McDonald's...It's bad for your health any way you look at it.
That's kind of where I'm at. The last time we talked I had said how I had made the trip to the ER with the chest pains, etc. Well, over the last few weeks I have been put through a battery of blood tests, stress tests, imaging test and the works. So far what I know is that my blood pressure is running a little high. Nothing extreme but they have started me on a low dose of hypertension meds and a daily regiment of aspirin.
The second thing that I know is that there IS some damage done to my heart. After completing both a treadmill stress test and a nuclear dye/adrenaline test they have determined there is some damage from a past cardiac event even though my heart seems to be functioning as properly as it can at this point. I DO NOT know the extent of the damage or what might have caused the damage. It could have been a heart attack, a weak muscle, anything and I don't know. I am being sent to a cardiologist in the city and I don't even have the appointment date yet.
Right now I am beyond frustrated with my lack of knowledge. I have a doctors appointment in a week and half with my primary care and I'm hoping I'll get a few more answers then. Tuesday I met with my knee surgeon and we have both agreed that the surgery has to be put on hold until this whole mess can be cleared up. He doesn't want to take any extra chances since he is putting me in an extensive surgery for 4 to 5 hours which will be hard enough on my system to begin with.
He is adamant about the surgery, however. After talking it over with him there is no real other treatment route to go. He hates the idea of doing this extensive of a surgery because there are risks involved but as he put it "you've got a set of tires that are way out of alignment and have been for a long long time, sooner or later those tires are just going to blow and there's no repairing them at all". If we can repair my knee the way he wants to Now I should be good to go for a replacement later on down the road. If I don't do anything and suffer through it, he said the chances of doing anything in a few more years will be nil.
So I guess thats about enough of the health crap for now. The weight loss has been pretty much non existant since the heart issues started because I was told to do no strenuous activities except light walking and lets face facts. It's Maine. It's winter. It's -25 fucking degrees. I'm not walking. I have been gingerly riding the exercise bike but its not moving me forward just keeping me where I'm at which I guess is better than going up.
So what else has been going on? This past weekend Heather and I made our way down to Freeport to the first (that we know of) fiber/yarn show of the year. We weren't vending at this particular show, just going to check it out as neither of us had ever been. I was impressed with the venue and the amount of people that were there. We met up with some other vendors we had talked to and got to know at previous shows. It was fun catching up with our friends and it really got us geared up for the show season this year. Our first show isn't until May. Now we're trying to find one in April cause we just want to do it that badly.
Since we are on the subject of fiber and yarns, I have made a very big decision in my life. We, at some point in the future, are going to own a buffalo. Yes, you read that correctly. I said a buffalo. I have always loved and admired buffalos. There are a couple different buffalo/bison farms in the state which I have visited over the years just because I love watching them so. Well, it turns out that buffalo down is a very desirable fiber. It is all harvested very ethically which I love and when I found this all out I decided I wanted a pair of buffalo down mittens. Heather took to the task of finding some down and then we both said in unision "Holy Shit".
Buffalo down goes for on average $100 AN OUNCE. not a pound...not half a pound...an OUNCE. It takes roughly 4 ounces to do a pair of mittens. Now its understandable that you really don't get that much fiber from a buffalo in one shot because basically you just walk around picking up pieces that have shed off. It takes a while to collect enough worthy of spinning.
So we let the idea of the mittens go and after many days of pondering to myself I said that I would really love to own a buffalo one day. I got online and did some research and I found out that although they are huge animals and do require a little room they are quite easy to maintain and a lot more affordable than most people think. A heifer costs on average around $1200 and a bull costs around $1400.
I know I'm not very smart but it seems to me that in reality you should be able to recoup your costs of the animal within a year or two just on the fiber alone. I could be wrong. I think though, if we had the right piece of land with good grazing and watering capabilities a buffalo would sustain itself for the most part, and most of my research backs me up on this. So yes. I will own a buffalo. a big furry cuddly buffalo. and I will hug him and squeeze him and I will name him George.
So reading is a big part of my life. Ever since I was a wee lil one I always preferred books to toys. So I thought as a new addition to my blog I would start a little snippet about what I'm reading and what I think of it. If any of you who read this enjoy reading as much as I do (and yes, Heather this even means you), tell me about it. I love hearing about new books and am open to suggestions. Well except for really sappy romance novels, sorry guys I just can't do it.
So currently I am reading two series but for now we are going to stick with the one I have my nose in today. The series is the "King Raven" trilogy by Stephen R. Lawhead. What Lawhead has done has taken the Robin Hood legacy, flipped it upside down and made it all grown up for us big people. The books are aptly titled "Hood", "Scarlet", and "Tuck". Hood starts off the series with a young Welsh prince without a care in the world except attracting the attention of Merian. Normans have taken over England and are making conquest for Wales. His father the king is killed trying to save his land and the prince himself becomes the hunted as well. Almost killed after being captured by the Normans he is taken deep into the greenwood of Wales and brought back to life by what he deems an old witch. Towards the end of the book you start to see the formation of the hero but in a far different light. Also in this book you see how Lawhead has taken the classic characters of Little John and Friar Tuck and breathed a new life into them.
I am currently about half way through "Scarlet". I love it. I can't say enough how much I love it and how much I thouroughly enjoy the way that Lawhead writes. This book starts off with Will Scarlet in a Norman prison relaying his story to a priest of his adventures with the hood. I can say with all honesty, in the thousands of books I have read in my lifetime that I believe this Will Scarlet is my favorite character ever. As I read this book I can so clearly hear Will Scarlet's voice in my head it's like I'm sitting there in the prison listening in on the conversation. If you at all enjoy the idea or story of Robin Hood and you can keep an open mind, please, please, read this series. This is a stripped down, raw, taken back into the earth, natural version of Robin Hood.
Stephen Lawhead is very quickly becoming one of my favorite authors. I began to read another one of his novels, The Skin Map, but quit halfway through since the next book isn't due out for atleast another 9 months. I'm the type that likes to read them bang bang boom style. From what I read however, I would recommend it as well.
I know this is a long post already but I need to keep with my commitment of sharing a little snippet or story of mine that brings back a happy memory. I know my wife loves this one so I'll put it out there for those of you who haven't heard it yet. I was a little bit of a hellraiser when I was younger. I always had a good time one way or another, usually at my own expense and other peoples amusement. If you dared me not to do something or told me I couldn't, I proved you wrong.
So one night I was in Bangor with my brother and a friend of ours. It was about 7:30pm and we were at McDonald's. It wasn't packed but there were a few people in there. As you probably know most McDonald's are nothing but plate glass windows on three sides and as we were walking out my friend dared me I wouldn't do a belly press on the glass. Now you got to remember..I weighed about 340 at the time. It took me about .5 seconds to decide and sure enough a guy half way through a bite of his mcchicken got a site I'm sure he still hasn't forgotten. I'll admit the glass was a bit cold and it was hot out so it left a nice ummm "outline" we'll call it on the glass. As we jumped in the car and sped off laughing we did a lap around the McD's to find that the outlines of my curvacious upper half were still dominantly steamed into the glass and the guy as well as a couple others looking at the window horrified.
The moral to this story? Don't eat at McDonald's...It's bad for your health any way you look at it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Hoping for the best..
I haven't had too much positive to say in the last couple weeks. I've been feeling like all I do is rant when I write a blog post so this time I thought it would be better not to write anything at all. It's got to the point that I have to get a little bit off of my chest.
Two weeks ago I was riding the exercise bike, pushing it pretty hard. Afterwards I started getting mild pains in my upper left chest and a little bit in my neck. There was no numbness in my hands or jaw pain, nasuea, etc etc. So I let it go thinking I just over did it. I mean I have been sitting at home for 7 months this past year, I am completely out of shape. I went to bed that night and the next morning they were pretty well gone. This past Thursday as I was working around the house, I had to go up and down the stairs several times in a short period and they came back, not as bad as before but this time they stuck around. So Saturday night I wound up in the ER with mild chest and neck pains after my left forearm started cramping up a little bit. Of course with my size and family history everybody went on red alert that I was having a heart attack. Heather and I wound up sitting in the ER until 1 a.m. before they finally released me. They did a couple sets of blood tests which both came back fine and did two e.k.g.s. One came back fine and one came back with a slight abnormality. The doctor said it could very likely be benign because the bleep came off of only one lead or it could possibly be a sign of a past event.
When I am up moving around and doing stuff my blood pressure does get slightly elevated. When I first showed up Saturday night it was 136/93 and Monday at the doc's office it was 130/90. When I am at rest, it goes down to the point of even being low (at one point while laying in a room at the hospital it got down to 85/45. go figure). So at this point we are not sure what is going on. I had to go have more blood work done yesterday and they are scheduling me a stress test. The doctor did say she will most likely send me to see a cardiologist and then I will probably have to have the catheter of my heart. I have a bad feeling I'm not going to pass the stress test but I am actually looking forward to it. I want to see what kind of shape my heart is in and get to the bottom of this. There is too many risk factors in my family so this needs to be taken care of now.
Admittedly, there has been a fair amount of stress going on the last few weeks. I am hoping that between that, the pushing myself on the bike and just being out of shape is the problem and nothing major. If I have to get put on a blood pressure medication so be it.
My orthopedic surgeon is pushing for me to go to the weight loss clinic and look into a weight loss surgery. I'm starting to seriously consider doing just that. I always said I didn't want to do the surgery but I think my choices and time are running out. My heart has handled my weight well over the years but I think it's going to start catching up with me and when it does it will not be good. I have to call my insurance company and see if they will even cover a procedure.
I guess thats it for now. I've got to go gas up the snowblower 'cause we are expected to get another 6-12" tonight. yipee
Monday, January 17, 2011
Big trains keep on rolling...
I cannot tell a lie. This week pretty much sucked balls. big balls. It was sort of one of those weeks that if something could go wrong, it most certainly did. Somehow though I have managed to keep my mood and mentality on the upswing and I'm kind of in the "bring it on" mode.
We'll start out with the beginning of the week. Actually we have to go back to last year and then we'll come back to this week. I currently own a 20+ year old snowblower. This snowblower and I, we butt heads..a lot. The thing is a beast, I can remember watching it pull my grandfather around the yard when I was a kid and now it gets just as much enjoyment out of doing it to me. I can't lie. The thing has been a stellar machine. With minimal work and my family putting it to the test year after year it's held on like a trooper. Last year, towards the end of the season I lost a couple of gears in the transmission (reverse and one of the lower gears) it's to be expected. The poor thing is only a few years younger than me and I've lost a couple of gears already too so I feel its pain. Losing reverse was the biggest issue. I live on a hill and sometimes walking all the way to the bottom or trying to turn around on the hill isn't always an option. I debated on putting the money into fixing it or just going and getting something new. Low and behold my godparents had a plow for their four wheeler that they weren't using anymore and they graciously gave it to me. So I spent my fall prepping the wheeler to get it ready for plowing (changing fluids, putting on new tires and fabricating a new mount plate for the plow itself).
So now we fast forward to this week. We got hit by some snow..nothing to major, just 4-6". So I bundle up, go jump on the wheeler and vroooooom out the door at an exhilirating 3 mph pushing a plow width of snow down the length of the driveway. Now since I have a full plow width of snow to get rid of I have to push it further into the bank...So I drive her and push her and swear at her and just as I am happy, the winch quits on the plow and I'm stuck. So after a little swearing, kicking and name calling I manage to get the wheeler out and back in the garage. It appears the switch has gone to hell...so now that I have less than a quarter of the driveway done my means of clearing said driveway has gone kaput. I sit there idly pondering what forces really hate me when I spy the old snowblower sitting in the corner, beckoning me. "come and get me, come and get me, I dare ya, ya big chicken" it called out to me. Fine. So after a little more swearing, kicking and name calling I managed to free the blower from the confines of crap that I buried on top of it during the summer. She starts on the first pull, good. We make our first path down the driveway and once in the road out of curiousity I try the reverse. It works. W..T..F. I spent a month last season trying to get this stupid gear to work and all I got for my efforts was a lot of grinding. Now? it works seamlessly I finished up the whole driveway for that storm and one since with the old girl and it hasn't given me a lick of trouble...I think it's just trying to lull me into a false since of security.
So now we get to this second storm on this week that came in on Wednesday. I think we managed to get about 8 inches overall. Thursday morning my wife leaves for work and I saunter online to do my morning ritual while enjoying my coffee. The phone rings. As soon as I hear my phone go off I instantly know what has happened. I answer it to find a hysterical wife on the other end. She has had an accident. Because of some jack ass coming towards her in her lane the car has gone down over a 12 ft bank and come to rest in some trees. Thankfully she is fine. The guy in the truck that caused her to crash never even stopped to check on her. She is sore and a little banged up but otherwise fine.I call a buddy of mine who is our mechanic and also the local tow truck driver. After he, a friend of ours who lives up the street, and two cops show up, we shut down the whole road for the process of getting the car up the embankment. It was a little hairy there for a few minutes but overall he did an excellent job. The car has some damage but in my opinion nothing to consider it totaled. I am going today to try and get a couple of estimates and wait for the insurance adjuster to show up tomorrow. I'm just thankful Heather is ok. She was scared I was going to be mad or blame her. I'm an ass but not that much of an ass...however, if I do ever find out who it was that caused her to go off the road, we might just find out how much of an asshole I can be. I've yet to go to jail...I've heard its a nice place.
So now we get to Friday. Heather has gone to work, I'm sitting online waiting for my father in law to show up when my god sister sends me a message on face book. Dad is in the hospital, they think he has had a set of mini strokes and they think a couple of his arteries are blocked. This sent me a little over the edge. My god parents are basically the only family I have left. My real dad died when I was 9. Darrell has raised me. He's been the only father figure I have ever known because even when my dad was alive, he wasn't around much. There has been the joke for decades that Darrell is my real dad and if you looked at us, you might actually believe it. Hell if I didn't look just like my birth father in the eyes, I'D believe it.
The problem with both of my fathers is they didn't/don't take good care of themselves. They didn't/don't go to the doctors when they should and even when they do go to the docs, they didn't get the help they should have. This is kind of like re-living everything from 17 years ago. On Wednesday he is having heart surgery at Eastern Maine Medical Center which is closer to me then where he lives. I already know I'll be at that hospital all day. I know my god mother can handle it but my sister is going to be a wreck, even if she says shes won't be. Please guys, keep your fingers crossed for him and as selfish as this sounds, for me.
Now we get to the weight stuff, seeing is that is my goal of blogging about the weight once a week. Last week wasn't very good. Between everything going on and both my knees being kind of sore, I didn't count my calories the way I should have and didn't exercise the amount I needed too. On Thursday I was back up to 321. A lot of this was fluid weight because I had managed to drink a couple beers, a soda or two and a lot of coffee. I flushed my system with a few glasses of water and made a couple dozen trips to the bathroom and I was back where I was supposed to be on Saturday. I managed to get in some much needed exercise this weekend and I am happy to report that I am down to 317.8. Now, if you want to get really technical I missed my goal of 2.5 lbs a week because the starting weight of the week was 319.2. However, where I have only been dieting for two weeks and my original weight at the dr's office was 325.6...I have lost 7.8 lbs and therefore TECHNICALLY I am ahead of schedule....So I'm safe....That's my reasoning and I'm sticking to it.
I love my dog. As much frustration as he brings me on a daily basis for getting into things he shouldn't be and barking at every noise, I love him. I forget some days he's still a puppy at heart and there are a lot of things in this big wide world he hasn't seen. The other day while we went for our walk. Our walk takes across a set of railroad tracks. Jax has never seen a train, until Saturday. The dog went ballistic, his tail damned near beat me to death, he was bouncing all over the road, and enjoyed a rousing game of, bark at that strange man standing on the giant metal box. All he wanted to do was play with that giant motorized toy and the guy riding on it. He wouldn't move until it was around the bend and out of site, fussing and whining as it chugged out of site. I love my dog
Monday, January 10, 2011
This weeks numbers are....
So I have come up with a goal, not necessarily a resolution, but a goal to try and blog at least once a week. If it is for nothing else it will be to record my weight loss goals, practices and results. I'm hoping by doing this much it will encourage me to continue on writing about what is going on in my life. I've always have something to say, but every time I try to sit down to write it out I lock up and my fingers won't move. This is frustrating beyond belief. All my life I have used written words to express myself.
In person I am pretty much a quiet guy, much to the dismay of my wife. I like to sit back and observe what is going on in life and in the world. It has been said that if you were to walk into a bar I'd be the biggest guy you'd never see. I have a way of fading into the back and dissolving into the landscape. I'm quite fine with that. I've always had my avenues of speaking out. The last couple of years those avenues have seemed to shut off. I have a hard time writing blogs. I haven't written a poem in I don't know how long. Enough is enough. Time to get the lead, er, keys out...
So the numbers for this week are...6.6 lbs. I am ecstatic about this! I know a lot of this is just soda weight coming off. When you have such an affection for Mt. Dew like I do, it tends to become a part of you..literally......I quit cold turkey on Jan 2nd and have done quite well all things considering. I did make the amendment that if I were to go out to dinner I would be allowed a soda. I admit I took full advantage of that Thursday night when we went out to dinner with my father in law.
So, Axing the soda was the first step. That saved me anywhere (depending on how bored I was sitting at home) from 180 to 800 calories a day (Sometimes those 2 liter bottles just seem to disappear). I will say that most days I drank one to two cans (180-360 cal.) so over the course of a week, even on the low end I just saved myself 1260 calories. whoooo baby.
I have been cutting back on my portions as much as I feel I can for now. I might try squeaking out a bit more later on. The dietitian I saw a couple months ago said that my portions and calories are quite average to a normal person. She said on average I eat about 2300 calories a day. From what I was told, for a person doing the type of physical labor that I do is quite low and is honestly acceptable. She did say that it would be much easier to lose weight if I did get to 2000 or under.
So that is the intake side of things, but what about the output. I have been trying to ride our recumbent bike every day (You can hear other horror stories of this bike on my wife's blog). I ride it for as much as I dare to push it with my knee. Usually this is around 300 calories. I've also been trying to walk the dog more often. Again, the length of the walk is based on my knee. Well, that and how cold it is considering IT IS winter in Maine. Friday we managed to go for a walk that was about 1.75 miles round trip. I'm really pleased that we are making it that far. It really does bode well for me as well as the dog. He's burning off some extra energy and weight as well. It's a good thing the whole way around. I am going to just keep on keeping on and hoping that this trend will continue.
I am still at home, not working. The doctor has told me I can go back on light duty but everything has to be cleared from the worker's comp insurance. I am under the restrictions of minimal standing, walking, and definitely climbing. If the mill reports to the insurance company that they don't have anything that I can do, I am stuck at home until god knows when. The boss did say he was looking for work for me but he was concerned by the restrictions as well as the fact that business is pretty slow right now. Keep your fingers crossed folks. I'm about to pull a "Heeeeeereee's Johnny" if I don't get out of this house before long.
I've got a couple things to finish this post up with and then we'll call it quits. First, I again have to say thank you to my wife for letting me steal her phone upgrade. I am hard on phones. Between working hard and playing hard a phone does quite well to last me a year. The phone I just currently had was dying a slow and pitiful death. It had been a trooper but it's lights were fading, literally. The hiccup was I was not eligible for a new phone until May, so my wife let me steal her upgrade and got me a brand spankin' new Samsung that is pretty much a twin to a blackberry. I love it. So far, in the house, it has the best cell service we've ever had. I'm impressed, and that my friends, takes a lot.
Secondly, don't hate me for the cliche line that is about to come out of my fingers. It's the small things in life that counts. Well folks, it's true. I have traveled all over this contintent, met a million people, done things most people will never do and I've got to say, it really is the small things that count. So at the end of all my posts from now on, I'm going to try and share a little tid bit of my life. It might be from twenty years ago or from yesterday. For today though, I want to share this....
Every thought, feeling, or memory is but a rain drop in a pond or a leaf in a forest. Each time we swim in it or walk its paths, it draws forth an emotion. Happiness, sadness, humor, tranquility. Every towering trunk that we pass is a story, a tale of our yesterdays, covered with little slivers of our inner self laying bare for all the world to see. We must use these sentinels as our landmarks, our maps of past journeys. Learn them well because to walk forward you must first look backwards. The past cannot hurt your future. It is to be learned from so that when we do move on, we do so with a deeper knowledge and a better since of direction.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A little bit of this, a little bit of that...
So I know the last few posts I have been some what of a downer. I'm sorry. I really need to start writing some more fun and uplifting posts. I know I have it in me I've just got to dig out the Bear side of me and put away the starkingly realistic side. Unfortunately there will be a little bit more of that in this post, but I promise I will try to make most of this a little more upbeat.
I've made some decisions regarding the knee surgery. The decision right now is to put it off for approx. 4 months. When I left the Spidey's office the other day he scheduled me in for March 1st but told me if I wanted to I could make an appointment earlier to get things started sooner. I think for now we are going to stick with the March 1st appointment and here is why. 1) I'm fat. I'm not being self degrading or anything of the such, it's just pure fact. I am obese. I've always been big, ever since I was about 3 I've been a little bit above average. When I was in high school going through everything I was going through, I learned beer and whiskey were my friends. That and for whatever other reasons my weight went to a whopping 450 lbs. As of this morning I weigh 320 lbs. Before I went in for my surgery this spring I was down to 278, but after sitting at home for a total of 6 months this year not being able to get around and do much because of my knee, my weight has skyrocketed. Spidey is willing to do the surgery at this weight but he has expressed concern not only in the recovery aspects but as well as the anaesthesia. He told me once I gave him the go ahead to book the surgery it would probably take at least 1.5 months - 2 months to book the O.R. so therefore I get the 4 months I need to shed as much weight as possible. Because of this my weight has become my No. 1 resolution this year. My goal is to lose a minimum of 2.5 lbs a week. If I can do this it will put me near the weight I was of the first surgery. Obviously if I can manage to lose more, that would be spectacular. I am trying to keep my goals realistic, however.
The other determining factor in the delaying of the surgery is financial. After crunching the numbers so much that I became temporarily dyslexic I've determined right now it's just not do-able. I know 4 months isn't a lot of time to make a big financial impact on anything but I do believe we have come up with a plan that will make enough of an impact to make it an easier pill to swallow. Here's to keeping our fingers crossed that we stick to our guns.
The surgery has to happen. As Heather said in her blog, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. I need the surgery. I've come to terms with that part of it. I'm slowly..very slowly coming to terms with the idea of putting the plate in my leg and how it will affect my life.
One thing that I'm finding a little heart breaking is having to bail on my birthday goal. In early November I had decided to set a goal to get to 240 lbs by my birthday on August 29th so that I could go skydiving in September. Skydiving is something I've wanted to do for as long as I could remember. I finally had made the resolve to do it. Amazingly I had 4 friends offer their moral support and agree to jump with me if I could lose the weight. That was really slap in the face of reality. It made me realize just how lucky I am to have the friends that I do. I mean, really, do you have friends that would agree to jump out of plane for you without even giving it a literal minute of thought? I still want to do the jump but I think we're going to have to postpone it for a year.
So that is that about the knee. Things may change but for right now that is the tentative plan.
How were your holidays? Mine were great. The one upside of being home with an injury is that I get to spend a little more time with friends, family and my wife. I was able to make some rounds the few days before Christmas and catch up. Something I haven't been able to do the last few years. We went to my Aunt and Uncle's Christmas eve afternoon and enjoyed a couple hours over there. I think the best time was the hour long nerf gun war we got into with my nephew. It's been quite a while since I've had that much fun. I'm not a big one for receiving gifts but I've got to admit, Heather knocked it out of the park this year. We have a long standing tradition of opening a gift on Christmas Eve and this year she gave me Donkey Kong Country Returns for the Wii. It's awesome. My brother came over that night and the three of us stayed up til about midnight playing it. It was about the best Christmas eve you could ask for.
She also got me the entire Harry Potter book series, I love the movies but I have never found the chance to read the books so it was an excellent gift. She got me the new Trans-Siberian Orchestra cd which kicks ass, as well as a new work light for the garage. Finally she surprised me with a photographers gift pass to the Maine Wildlife Park. The Maine Wildlife Park is basically what it sounds like, you can check it out here http://www.state.me.us/ifw/education/wildlifepark/. The photographers pass is a special permit where a guide takes you around before or after hours and actually takes you in the enclosures with the animals so you can get unimpeded photos. My brother has graciously agreed to let me borrow his digital SLR camera for the shoot. I am super psyched about this gift. My in laws also bought me a gorgeous New England Patriots hoody and my brother in law and sister in law bought me Cabelas' Dangerous Hunts 2011 for the wii. I made out like a bandit this year!
New Year's eve went pretty similarly to Christmas Eve. Lot's of Wii. It was quiet with a couple beers. Even though Heather suffered a migraine later in the night overall it was a good time.
So, now that the subject of New Year's has been brought up, I guess it's time for some resolutions.
My resolutions this year really aren't all that creative. I'm stealing most of them from the list I posted earlier last year. I'm definitely willing to add things as I go through the year but here's what I have so far.
1) the weight thing. it's kind of a needed thing obviously
2) Take my nephew out for another day. I took him out to McDonald's and to see Iron Man 2 this summer. It wasn't much but he said it was awesome. Maybe this year we can do something a little more
3) Go to the Penobscot Observatory. My sister and I almost went this past fall. If it hadn't been for an hour long wait to get in we would have. This year it's a must. Get ready, sis.
4) Get lost. I'm going to be home for 6 months. I think, just maybe I can find some time to go for a ride and try to get lost. If I can somehow just lose my uncanny sense of direction I'll be all set
5) Go camping at least 3 times. Again, I'm going to have some time recovering. I should be able to devote some of it to sitting around a campfire getting eaten alive by mosquitos.
6) Read. Read. Read. I have 17 books on the waiting list to be read. That's not including some of the classic lit that I want to delve into. I don't think I will get all 17 read this year so my goal is going to be 14.
7) Write the third chapter of Heather's story. It's been a few years since I wrote 'There Be Beasties' and I think she deserves the next step.
For now that is it I guess. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to leave me comments. I'm always up for ideas for resolutions or opinions. If you have anything, Spit it out!
See ya folks
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year.
I want and have to start this post off by wishing everyone a Happy New Year. I hope this year we'll meet you with good graces and that the next 365 days will bring you good health and good fortunes. May we keep our resolutions and say good bye to the year of 2010 that has haunted many of us.
That being said. Lets get down to business shall we. Between facebook, e-mail, my wife's blog and my own you know that I fell at the beginning of December at work and injured my already bad knee. It has also been said in the past that the idea of surgery had been thrown around quite abit prior to this newest injury. Well, I met with the surgeon.
On Thursday afternoon I met with the new ortho specialist. For now and future reference we are going to call him Spidey. In my research of him I have learned that he is one of if not the best ortho surgeon in Maine. From what I've heard and seen of his credentials and clientele, my estimation is that I'm in good hands. So I meet with Spidey and I like him, he seems to me like the right mix of business and personal. I want a doctor who makes me feel comfortable but at the same time makes me feel like he knows what the hell he is talking about. As he is going over my chart he sends me in for a set of xrays in his office. So when I finally get back we spend the next 45 minutes going over everything he has in my folder along with the new set of scans. To put it bluntly he's worried. He's never seen someone my age with a knee that is as messed up as mine is. So we go over the options. I don't like what I hear.
He is proposing what he even calls a "very serious surgery". The procedure is going to take 4 hours in the O.R. followed by a minimum 6 month recovery. In his words, "You're going to go through hell". The procedure is basically this, he wants to lay open my leg. Spidey wants to go in, completely disconnect my knee cap, take a good size chunk out of my tibia (shin bone) an inch or so below the knee join and then try to reattach my knee cap so that it will set where it is supposed to and STAY there. But that's not all folks, oh no, that's not even the fun part. He then wants to go a couple inches Above the knee join on my femur and break it. He wants to break my thigh bone, spread it open so that my leg is straight. He then wants to attach a metal plate and screw it in a few times so hopefully it will take to the bone. That is just what he has planned so far. He said he can already see some arthritus building up again so I don't know if he wants to try to clean that out or not. I know for a fact I have a new tear in the miniscus and I imagine he will try to repair that since he will be in there anyway.
Most of this was done on my own though. Spidey said the new miniscus tear was from the fall at work and the fall definitely did not help the prior problems. So as much as I didn't want to screw my company anyways, most of this financial burden will fall on us. To me, right now, that is the major problem. The thought of this surgery turns my stomach. The idea of putting a plate in my leg doesn't set will with me. I understand though, that if I want to get better this is what needs to be done. The problem is I don't know if it can be. As everyone in the world knows the economy sucks. Money is tight for everyone. At this point I don't even know if this kind of surgery and recovery is financially possible for us. I can get short term disability through my work but I lose almost $125 dollars a week compared to my normal paycheck. I just don't know...
So that is where I am at right now. I already have some New Year's resolutions but right now I just can't get them on here. Maybe later today I'll see what I can do but for right now I need to walk away.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
One part saint and two parts sinner, with the last part still on the line.
Sometimes I wonder, who, which or what higher power did I piss off? Sometimes I think I have an idea but then I wonder if the things I have done are really enough to constitute what I go through. I've done some horrible things in my life. Things that, not to sound to cliche will haunt me well past my grave. I've tried to make amends. I really have. There are, though some things that cannot be justified or amended. I've changed my life and let go of the person I was. I've tried to grow up and be the best man I can be.
There are days when I feel like I might actually be making some headway and then there are those days where you take two steps forward and 99 steps back. Where I am going with this is kind of simple. I feel like giving up. I feel like I have lost my fight. There have been days sometimes even weeks where I felt down and feeling blue. But I always knew I'd come back strong given enough time. I don't feel that way anymore.
Ever since I can remember life has put my soul through hell, but *I* put my physical body through equal punishment. For a long time I almost had myself convinced I was indestructible. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and had the time of my life (sometimes). For a long time, I felt so dead inside from everything else that I craved the physical pain so that I could still know I was alive. And before any of you jump to conclusions, I was not a cutter or a burner, druggie or anything like that. No matter how many bones I broke, gouges I took from flesh, shapes I contorted my body into..I walked away. Some days the pain took a little bit longer to go away, but I always, always walked away. Now, there are days I can barely walk without help.
This past winter I underwent a knee surgery that has now been proclaimed by myself, physical therapist and surgeon as a failure. I went through 5 months of healing, physical therapy and strength training. The pain never totally went away but was to a level I thought manageable. Then I returned to work two months ago and I realized just how wrong I was. When I left work in February we were working 42 hour weeks. When I went back in July we were working 48 hour weeks. After the first day of 9.5 hours on my feet I realized I was in trouble and it has only gotten worse since. I cannot make it through a day without wearing my rigid support brace. It makes life miserable having 2.5lbs strapped to your leg for 12 hours a day but I have no choice. A few weeks into work my knee had a sharp snap followed by instant swelling and ungodly pain. I worked through it.
It happened again two weeks ago and this one was even worse, putting me on the ground for 5-10 mins in the middle of the mill. I called the my surgeon back and he got me in on Tuesday of this week. I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Upon a reasonably fast evaluation he came to a few conclusions. A) There is a grinding in my knee that wasn't there before. B)I have lost 10-15% of my mobility in 2 months (C I need to go to physical therapy again, as well as an MRI AND see another specialist then there is (D) <-- D gets double parenthesis cause its a doozy. (D) He is recommending to this new specialist to perform an extensive surgery on my knee yet again. This new surgery entails cutting my knee wide open, completely severing any ties to the knee cap, repositioning said knee cap and trying to reattach everything. And that is just what we know of now, he is reasonably certain there is some more damage that the MRI will show that will have to be fixed.
He sent me to PT yesterday in the hopes that maybe we could do something that didn't involve the surgery. So I went to PT and within 30 seconds of my therapist looking at my knee she flat out said that she could not fix it. All she can do is POSSIBLY help the pain. So now. My sanity is hanging on the balance of this new specialist.
I had a very very hard time coming to terms with having the first knee surgery. I spent almost half of this year out of work because of it and it was for nothing, actually it was for less than nothing because after taking several hundred measurements of my leg, my therapist says its off more now than it was before surgery. I don't know if I can go through this again. I don't know if my job will let me go through this again. If this surgery is as extensive as it sounds it could mean an even longer recovery time than the previous. The word disability has been thrown around quite a few times this week. To every single one of you have mentioned the idea. Fuck you. Most of you that have brought it up are the ones I have worked beside for years in one place or another. And every single fucking person that knows me knows all I have ever done since I and anyone else can remember is work my ass off. I have worked until I have literally worn holes through the skin on my fingers. Worked so many hours in a row that I honestly don't remember how I got home that night. I've shoveled shit, stocked shelves, sold guns, pumped gas, sawed and piled lumber and everything else in between. All I want to do is keeping do that. It is who I am. I want to earn my living and go home at night knowing that I did it on my own and not on some one elses dime.
I know in my heart of hearts that I have deserved every single thing that has happened to me over the years and I have done my absolute best to shoulder what has been handed to me and carry on.
I also know in my heart of hearts that I will keep carrying on, now matter how much more is piled on. I will be who I am as I've always been. But tonight, the load feels like too much.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
You little Skamp..
Before I get into anything else I want to give my deepest condolences to Fox. I know you're a strong girl and you will pull through, but if you need anything at all, Heather and I are both here for you, hun.
After.... Before....
P.S. Tomorrow I am taking my nephew out to see Iron Man 2 after he gets out of school. Working on #53 of my list. Yeehaw
Now onto the newest of things. I've got myself a new project *rubs my hands together in mischevious fashion and laughs maniacally* We now have a pop up camper. But before we get too into the new, lets take a few steps back. As you all know Heather and I absolutely love to go camping. I used to go a dozen weekends out of the year atleast growing up and now we still go as often as we can. The problem is that it never fails to rain atleast one of our trips every year and being as hard as it is to actually get the time to go, we suffer through it. Most times its not too bad, except for the "thunder storm of doom" as Heather puts it the first summer we were together. That was, until last year.
Last June we went on our annual camping trip to Bar Harbor for her birthday and as we packed up Thursday night the weather forecast was for showers Friday night into Saturday morning. Eh that's no biggy, we can deal with a few showers over one night out of 3 days. We arrived at the campground at almost exactly noon Friday, at 12:15 it started to rain and it never stopped til 10 am Sunday. When I say rain, I'm not talking drizzle, or showers, I am talking full on, god taking the mother of all leaks type rain. For 3 days. We spent 3 days inside of the tent. We wound up eating every single meal at a restaurant cause we couldn't keep dry or have a fire.
We decided that very weekend, we needed to upgrade. We aren't willing to stay home so we decided we needed a camper. We didn't want a huge camper, we still want to be somewhat rustic. I don't like feeling like I'm living in another house when I'm in the middle of the woods. So we decided on finding a small pop up. We looked around for a few weeks and didn't really find anything we could afford. Then came my birthday party. My godparents showed up to celebrate with us. Our house was already full so they decided to bring their new camper they had found. It was 25th anniversary 1989 Skamper pop up. It was the perfect size for what Heather and I were looking for, very basic but in good shape. It was going to be ours. The problem was, no one else but me knew that (grin). I begged and pleaded with them to sell me the camper or better yet, just leave it there for me but to no avail. So the search went on.
The fall came and went and I still couldn't find anything else I liked and I wanted that damn Skamper. Then out of the blue in February Gene (godmother) called and asked if I wanted to buy it. I told her I most certainly did if the price was right. She said all she wanted was what she had invested in it, which is $500.00. I told her it was a deal but I didn't have the money right now cause I was getting ready to go out for my surgery. She told me not to worry about it, we'd work something out. So we have a plan.
Fast forward to now. The other day I was talking to my Darrel (godfather) and he told me to get my ass up there and get the damn thing out of the way (litteral words). No problem, So Friday I hit the road at 5:30am ready for my 3.5 drive north. I returned at 7:30pm with the camper and was totally thrilled with the way it towed, having absolutely no trouble on the 200 mile drive.
So as I said before this is a 1989 camper. It's not in perfect shape. For being 21 years old it is in very good shape. It is in need of a few minor repairs and a hellaciously good cleaning. I am going to post some before and after pics on this post of the first cleaning I gave it and I will do so later on of the other things I do to it. Its my hope to start blogging about all the trips we take from now on. I'm hoping we can expand our horizons a little further now that we have something a little more solid to sleep in. It's first real test will be the first weekend in June for the Fiber Frolic and then a couple weeks later for our annual trip to the Harbor. Here's the first set of pics...
Due to some technical malfunctions the pics aren't in perfect order...so here is
After.... Before....
After.... Before....
After.... Before....
P.S. Tomorrow I am taking my nephew out to see Iron Man 2 after he gets out of school. Working on #53 of my list. Yeehaw
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Hard to take..
So here I am, up at 5 am writing on blog. I have had a pretty restless night and the dog finally decided seal the deal at 4:15 when he needed to go out.
What is there to keep me awake and write about at 5am? Well, yesterday afternoon I made my way to Millinocket to have my 2nd follow up appointment with my knee surgeon. On my way up which takes about half an hour through the woods, life was good. The sun was shining, there was no traffic (yes there can be traffic, even in the middle of the woods, this traffic just usually consist of 140,000lb log trucks). I even got to see my first moose of the spring, which his fresh new antlers poking through his forehead. Life seemed good for those 30 minutes. Then reality bitch slapped me.
My knee surgeon is the best. From the very first minute I met him I felt comfortable with him and for some reason at that same moment realized that I totally trusted this man. In all my appointments with him I have found that I really take what he says to heart and I believe what he tells me really is what is in my best interest. Maybe it's because he's british, I don't know.
Anyway, as the appointment went on and we discussed my aches and pains, he was going over his reports from physical therapy as I related my side of the story. What it boils down to is progress is not moving at the pace it needs too. My knee cap is not re-aligning the way he had hoped it would and my leg is only working at about 20% capacity. He is giving me 6 more weeks of physical therapy. This somewhat stole the wind out of me, kind of the whined up to the bitch slap coming. I was only supposed to be out 6 weeks to begin with after the surgery. Next Tuesday it will be 2 months. I have worked full time since I was 15, when I was 19 there was a little lull in there where I was laid off, but that was only for a couple weeks. I found under-the-table jobs that had me working more than a normal week.
So as I was running things through my head at the speed of a f'in bullet train, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is that if he doesn't see the progress he wants in 6 weeks, there is a better than fair chance he will want to take me back into surgery to do what he can to re-align everything his way. And KER-POW. It literally took me about 5 seconds to truly process what he had just said to me. He was seriously talking another surgery. A surgery that by my understanding is a bigger undertaking than the first one we went through.
I am honestly lost here. I am torn in ways that I really can't describe. There are going to be people here that say its a no brainer decision. But its not that simple. I have been out of work for 7 weeks, we're talking 13 by the time I even know if I need surgery and then could very well be another 12 weeks of recovery after that. My wife has been stellar through this whole process. She could of very well told me to go fuck myself several times but she has stood by me through everything. I don't know if I want to put her through this again.
The thing that scares me the most is my job. The Lumbras have treated me like family over the years. Whenever I have needed something they have been there for me. They really are the best people in the world to work for because they are the only place I have ever seen that truly, truly cares more about their employees than themselves. That being said, I can only expect them to put up with so much. They already had to hire someone to take a lower job so one of the more experienced guys could slide up and fill in for me. I am going in this morning to talk to the bosses and see what they have to say.
I need to get in contact with my short term disability provider cause I am not completely sure how long my benefits will last. I absolutely cannot and will not put all the financial burden on Heather. I guess that is what it really boils down to. If I lose my benefits, I'm going back to work.
My knee, I think, is better than it was before I went into surgery. It might have to be good enough. I said from the beginning that if I was going to go through this I was going to do it the right way, because there was no sense in doing it if I was going to half ass it. Now I'm scared I just might have to half ass it to survive and worry about fixing it the right way later on.
What is there to keep me awake and write about at 5am? Well, yesterday afternoon I made my way to Millinocket to have my 2nd follow up appointment with my knee surgeon. On my way up which takes about half an hour through the woods, life was good. The sun was shining, there was no traffic (yes there can be traffic, even in the middle of the woods, this traffic just usually consist of 140,000lb log trucks). I even got to see my first moose of the spring, which his fresh new antlers poking through his forehead. Life seemed good for those 30 minutes. Then reality bitch slapped me.
My knee surgeon is the best. From the very first minute I met him I felt comfortable with him and for some reason at that same moment realized that I totally trusted this man. In all my appointments with him I have found that I really take what he says to heart and I believe what he tells me really is what is in my best interest. Maybe it's because he's british, I don't know.
Anyway, as the appointment went on and we discussed my aches and pains, he was going over his reports from physical therapy as I related my side of the story. What it boils down to is progress is not moving at the pace it needs too. My knee cap is not re-aligning the way he had hoped it would and my leg is only working at about 20% capacity. He is giving me 6 more weeks of physical therapy. This somewhat stole the wind out of me, kind of the whined up to the bitch slap coming. I was only supposed to be out 6 weeks to begin with after the surgery. Next Tuesday it will be 2 months. I have worked full time since I was 15, when I was 19 there was a little lull in there where I was laid off, but that was only for a couple weeks. I found under-the-table jobs that had me working more than a normal week.
So as I was running things through my head at the speed of a f'in bullet train, the next thing that comes out of his mouth is that if he doesn't see the progress he wants in 6 weeks, there is a better than fair chance he will want to take me back into surgery to do what he can to re-align everything his way. And KER-POW. It literally took me about 5 seconds to truly process what he had just said to me. He was seriously talking another surgery. A surgery that by my understanding is a bigger undertaking than the first one we went through.
I am honestly lost here. I am torn in ways that I really can't describe. There are going to be people here that say its a no brainer decision. But its not that simple. I have been out of work for 7 weeks, we're talking 13 by the time I even know if I need surgery and then could very well be another 12 weeks of recovery after that. My wife has been stellar through this whole process. She could of very well told me to go fuck myself several times but she has stood by me through everything. I don't know if I want to put her through this again.
The thing that scares me the most is my job. The Lumbras have treated me like family over the years. Whenever I have needed something they have been there for me. They really are the best people in the world to work for because they are the only place I have ever seen that truly, truly cares more about their employees than themselves. That being said, I can only expect them to put up with so much. They already had to hire someone to take a lower job so one of the more experienced guys could slide up and fill in for me. I am going in this morning to talk to the bosses and see what they have to say.
I need to get in contact with my short term disability provider cause I am not completely sure how long my benefits will last. I absolutely cannot and will not put all the financial burden on Heather. I guess that is what it really boils down to. If I lose my benefits, I'm going back to work.
My knee, I think, is better than it was before I went into surgery. It might have to be good enough. I said from the beginning that if I was going to go through this I was going to do it the right way, because there was no sense in doing it if I was going to half ass it. Now I'm scared I just might have to half ass it to survive and worry about fixing it the right way later on.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Fiberista
That's my wife's title. A title that means, artist, designer, creator, marketer, owner, shipper and everything else that can be described as a job in her small business. Last fall Heather took her dream of starting a yarn and fiber business and took off running. Of course she started small like most business have done and over the last few months it has expanded bit by bit. She has sold numerous products, been mentioned in podcasts that have 40,000 listeners and joined multiple communities to spread the word and the love of her business and the art that is involved.
I have never seen her so happy, so fulfilled, so content at doing something as she is when working on her products. I have to be the first to admit, although I care nothing about knitting or crocheting or such...what she does is beautiful and she has pride in that which she has created.
A short while ago we were sitting in the living room talking and she was saying that she wanted to take her business further and further. I told that I would support her in every way I can with this business. She wants to make a career out of Highland Handmades. I think it can be done. Although it may take a few years yet to sustain a lifestyle from this business I think it really does have the potential to happen.
She wasn't sure though, how to get her name out there more, how to make the business increase because although people have been buying some stuff, the online pictures don't do it justice. Several times when people have seen her products first hand they have bought them instantly. So I said the solution was simple. The Maine Fiber Frolic. She kind of wheeled back because the Fiber Frolic is a big deal. Dozens and Dozens of vendors get together to sell their yarn and fiber goods on the first weekend in June. Wait. The first weekend in June This is the first weekend in April. Shit, we're no where near ready. She only has about 2 dozen products done up to sell. We need about 12-14 dozen atleast. She doesn't even have enough raw product to do a quarter of that. So, I told her to make a decision. Yes or No. I said that I would do everything within my power to make it happen if she decided she really wanted to do it. Hesitantly she sat there and looked at me, I could see her mind running a million miles an hour. I think she thought I was toying with her. Finally after a while she said she wanted too. So we were off and running
I know what it takes to run a business. I grew up with my family running a store. I opened a diner with my mother when I was 15. I know it takes money to make money and the problem is, her business didn't have the capital to order the amount of raw material she needed for the festival. So the next day I sat down with a note book and our checking account and spent the day running numbers and the such. That night she had enough money for her wholesale account. The next day we went and got her the insurance she needed for the Frolic and sent in her fee and application to secure a spot at said show.
I think its has set in to both of us how much work is ahead of us to get this pulled together in a month and a half and we are both ready to go full steam ahead. So now she is awaiting her 44lbs of raw material and she will begin the dying and skeining process. I have my hands full with building her some displays to use. We will make this work, not because we have to..things more often than not DON'T work when you HAVE to. I know this will work because we WANT it too.
I want my wife to have the business she wants. I want her to have a career that makes her happy and gives her that feeling of completion that only this business gives her. She deserves that. She has worked so hard over the years that I know she has what it takes to make this work. She works two jobs as it is already and she still, still comes home at night and on her few days off and works her butt off to get this thing going. I am so proud of her. I am proud that she works so hard. That she takes chances on the unknown. That she puts so much love and passion into something. I am proud of the woman she has become because of this business. I hope she knows that. Every time she dyes something and she gets the finished product her eyes glow just a little bit and this radiant smile appears. That smile that shines of pride that you can see runs right straight into the core of her soul. If its possible that smile makes me love her even more, my wife, my fiberista.
I have never seen her so happy, so fulfilled, so content at doing something as she is when working on her products. I have to be the first to admit, although I care nothing about knitting or crocheting or such...what she does is beautiful and she has pride in that which she has created.
A short while ago we were sitting in the living room talking and she was saying that she wanted to take her business further and further. I told that I would support her in every way I can with this business. She wants to make a career out of Highland Handmades. I think it can be done. Although it may take a few years yet to sustain a lifestyle from this business I think it really does have the potential to happen.
She wasn't sure though, how to get her name out there more, how to make the business increase because although people have been buying some stuff, the online pictures don't do it justice. Several times when people have seen her products first hand they have bought them instantly. So I said the solution was simple. The Maine Fiber Frolic. She kind of wheeled back because the Fiber Frolic is a big deal. Dozens and Dozens of vendors get together to sell their yarn and fiber goods on the first weekend in June. Wait. The first weekend in June This is the first weekend in April. Shit, we're no where near ready. She only has about 2 dozen products done up to sell. We need about 12-14 dozen atleast. She doesn't even have enough raw product to do a quarter of that. So, I told her to make a decision. Yes or No. I said that I would do everything within my power to make it happen if she decided she really wanted to do it. Hesitantly she sat there and looked at me, I could see her mind running a million miles an hour. I think she thought I was toying with her. Finally after a while she said she wanted too. So we were off and running
I know what it takes to run a business. I grew up with my family running a store. I opened a diner with my mother when I was 15. I know it takes money to make money and the problem is, her business didn't have the capital to order the amount of raw material she needed for the festival. So the next day I sat down with a note book and our checking account and spent the day running numbers and the such. That night she had enough money for her wholesale account. The next day we went and got her the insurance she needed for the Frolic and sent in her fee and application to secure a spot at said show.
I think its has set in to both of us how much work is ahead of us to get this pulled together in a month and a half and we are both ready to go full steam ahead. So now she is awaiting her 44lbs of raw material and she will begin the dying and skeining process. I have my hands full with building her some displays to use. We will make this work, not because we have to..things more often than not DON'T work when you HAVE to. I know this will work because we WANT it too.
I want my wife to have the business she wants. I want her to have a career that makes her happy and gives her that feeling of completion that only this business gives her. She deserves that. She has worked so hard over the years that I know she has what it takes to make this work. She works two jobs as it is already and she still, still comes home at night and on her few days off and works her butt off to get this thing going. I am so proud of her. I am proud that she works so hard. That she takes chances on the unknown. That she puts so much love and passion into something. I am proud of the woman she has become because of this business. I hope she knows that. Every time she dyes something and she gets the finished product her eyes glow just a little bit and this radiant smile appears. That smile that shines of pride that you can see runs right straight into the core of her soul. If its possible that smile makes me love her even more, my wife, my fiberista.
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